I understand that some people enjoy the comfort of lies.
And to be honest, I see the appeal.
When you don’t know your spouse is having an affair, you can live as normally as you’ve always been living and never have to deal with the consequences of that knowledge.
As sad as it is, even if you decide to forgive your partner and you both try to move on from an indiscretion, so many things come with it that some would rather not deal with.
On the other hand, I don’t think there’s actual comfort in not knowing as well.
For instance, I had a neighbor who was infected with HIV by her promiscuous husband.
If she had known and taken appropriate measures, maybe that wouldn’t have happened.
I’m not saying that’s what happens in every case; I’m simply saying sometimes, it’s better to be faced with reality and tackle it head-on.
So, if you agree with me, I’ll be showing you the things to look out for when your partner is having an extramarital affair.
At least, that way, you will be able to notice if something is fishy instead of being in the dark.
9 Things to Look Out for When Your Husband or Wife is Having an Extramarital Affair
1. Decreased Intimacy
One of the first signs that something’s off is when intimacy starts to fade.
Now, something I didn’t mention initially is that an affair is different from one-time cheating/promiscuity.
In the case of the latter, your spouse might sleep with someone, maybe due to a lapse in judgment, and move on from it.
Or they sleep around, but don’t invest their emotions in it.
If this is your situation, you may not have decreased intimacy because their emotion is not directed somewhere else.
But an affair is usually long-term with a particular person, meaning some emotions are likely involved.
And since it is usually difficult to adequately share emotions between two people – except you’re dealing with a pro – then you will notice that the emotions will shift.
I’m not just talking about sex – though that can change too – but the little things like hugs, kisses, holding hands, or even emotional closeness.
You will notice that your partner, who used to be your best friend, just stops talking to you the way they used to – opening up and confiding in you.
While it could mean other things, it could also mean that they’re emotionally invested elsewhere.
So what you need to watch out for is if it’s sudden and unexplained.
Still, although you shouldn’t immediately conclude that’s what’s happening, it’s worth paying attention.
2. Sudden Display of Affection
Funny enough, the opposite of the above can also be a red flag.
Some people withdraw, while some overcompensate because they feel guilty.
So, your partner might suddenly shower you with gifts, random kisses, or unexpected “I love yous.”
This might be hard to figure out, as this is also a nice thing to do, but I believe it will just feel… off, like they’re trying too hard.
A good way to determine this, however, is if these gestures seem inconsistent with their normal behavior or feel out of place.
Someone who isn’t overly affectionate doesn’t just become one overnight.
Even if they were working on being more affectionate, it takes a while to change, so it will likely be more gradual.
If it’s sudden and grand immediately, don’t just brush it off; it could be an attempt to ease their guilt or cover up for their sins.
3. Increased Secrecy
Couples are ideally open with each other.
Except you both have always been secretive, which would be weird for a couple – unless, of course, you’re Mr and Mrs Smith lol – secrecy is a huge sign something is fishy.
You should particularly watch out when your partner starts acting like their phone is a top-secret vault.
For example, their phone will likely always be face-down, password-protected, or glued to their hand, even in the bathroom.
They may also get defensive if you casually ask who they’re texting.
While I’m not encouraging snooping, you need to take note when normal openness turns into unnecessary secrecy.
4. Significant Shift in Their Behavior Towards You
You know your partner best, so pay attention when their whole vibe suddenly changes.
Again, people hardly change suddenly, so it should raise eyebrows.
For instance, have they suddenly gone from being warm and attentive to cold and dismissive, or the reverse, where they’re suddenly overly nice?
That’s something to note because affairs can mess with how someone interacts at home because their emotions are all over the place.
So, if their behavior toward you feels unfamiliar or inconsistent with who they’ve always been, that could be your cue that something isn’t right.
5. Changes in Your Sex Life
I always use Good Deeds as an example in situations like this because of how fitting it is.
In the movie, Gabrielle Union’s character was engaged to Tyler Perry’s character.
In a particular scene, she noted he must have been with someone else, because their sex that night was more intense.
I say that to say, in his case, he was already emotionally cheating, and it made him more passionate in the bedroom.
One would expect that it would make him dull because his emotions are elsewhere.
But it wasn’t; it was actually more intense because one, he felt guilty, and two, he was thinking of the other woman.
So, sex is often a big indicator, and it’s not that it always becomes dull or non-existent.
Yes, some may lose interest altogether, but the opposite also happens, where they suddenly want to try new things out of the blue.
Both extremes can be telling.
However, I need to add that not every change in your sex life means cheating, but when paired with other red flags, it’s worth a deeper look.
6. Unexplained Expenses
Affairs don’t come cheap.
You need to pay for dinners, gifts, and maybe even hotel stays, especially if you’re the man.
So the money trail often tells the truth.
If you start noticing unusual charges on the credit card, frequent cash withdrawals, or less money in the account with no clear explanation, it’s worth questioning.
I mean, even if it’s not cheating, your partner shouldn’t be spending without transparency.
So, it’s still something you shouldn’t let slide.
7. Increased Irritation and Criticism
One thing common with guilty people is that they become irritable and start picking fights over the littlest things.
That’s because it’s easier for cheaters to justify their actions if they can convince themselves you’re the problem.
If you were a “perfect” partner who’s done nothing wrong, they may struggle to live with their actions.
So, they need something to convince them they are doing the right thing.
On the other hand, because they are attracted to someone else, you may just start irritating them for no reason.
So, if your spouse is suddenly more irritable, criticizes you more than usual, or seems constantly annoyed, it may not be about you at all.
They may just be projecting out of their guilt or frustration because they need to feel better about what they’re doing to you.
8. Unreasonable Accusations
Very similar to the above, sometimes, a cheating partner will accuse you of doing the same.
Again, they’re just projecting because, since they’re doing something wrong, they assume you must be too.
Of course, this might not apply if your partner has always been insecure.
But if your partner has never been the jealous or accusatory type and suddenly starts throwing wild suspicions your way, that’s a major red flag.
They’re likely trying to deflect from their own guilt.
9. A Red Light Going Off in Your Gut
Honestly, one of the most powerful indicators is your own gut feeling.
There’s really nothing like that feeling of “just knowing.”
You know your partner, you know your relationship, so you’re likely to know when something just feels off.
Even if you can’t point to hard evidence, don’t ignore your intuition or let anyone gaslight you into thinking you’re crazy.
Your instincts are often your first warning sign; they’re there to protect you.
While it’s equally important not to jump to conclusions, trust yourself enough to pay attention when something feels wrong.
At the very least, investigate why you feel the way you do.