When you are in your teens or early twenties and casually dating, dating can be fun because you don’t expect so much anyway.
But once you are at the age – whatever that age is for you – where you want to get serious, dating can feel like a full-time job with no benefits.
At that point, it’s almost as if you don’t put all your effort into dating, you might end up as Jane in 27 Dresses, attending weddings as the bridesmaid and never the bride.
And the sad part is that even when you put in all the effort, it doesn’t guarantee your dream love story.
Usually, to understand this, we often sit around with our girlfriends, dissecting every text message and wondering why the “good ones” are seemingly extinct.
But sometimes – and I say this with so much love – we are the ones getting in our own way.
Sometimes, the reason we have not gotten our own love story is that we do not introspect to see why we may be the problem.
Now, I can see you raising your brows because you think I’m asking you to change who you are to please a man.
It’s not about that; I simply want you to recognize the little habits that might be sabotaging your happiness before it even has a chance to bloom.
So, if you are ready to change your love story, let’s talk about the seven biggest mistakes to avoid when dating.
The 7 Biggest Mistakes Women Make in Dating
1. Ignoring the Red Flags Because “He Has Potential”
I didn’t think this was a thing until I heard Olandria from Love Island USA Season 7 talk about it with her current partner.
She spoke about how in the past, she fell in love with the potential of someone rather than what was right in front of her.
So, here she is seeing the red flag in a man, but loving the idea that he could someday be better.
Listening to her, I realised that even though I hadn’t thought deeply about it, it’s something I see often and I strongly believe many of us can relate to.
You meet a guy who is charming, funny, and attractive, but your gut whispers that something is off.
It could be because he talks badly about his exes, or he’s inconsistent with communication.
Or he is even sometimes emotionally abusive.
But you ignore it because you like the idea of him.
You fall in love with his potential rather than the reality standing in front of you.
Or you choose to ignore what’s right in front of you because you really want to fall in love.
While there is nothing wrong with you wanting love, the problem is that the potential is not reality; what you deal with is what’s happening now.
Also, while there’s nothing wrong with hope, there’s everything wrong with closing your eyes to obvious red flags because of false hope.
If you do that, you will end up wasting time trying to get a relationship with someone who can’t give it to you.
So, when you are dating, listen to your gut and trust it.
When you can see obvious red flags, don’t close your eyes to them; believe what’s right before you.
2. Losing Your Identity the Moment You Couple Up
Another mistake women make is losing their identity immediately they couple up.
It starts innocently enough, so you may not even notice it until you’re far gone.
So, it could start with you skipping yoga class to watch his favorite show.
Then, you stop seeing your friends all the time because you want to spend time with him.
Before you know it, your entire world revolves around his schedule and his interests.
Now, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with prioritizing your new relationship or spending time with your man, but you don’t have to do that at the expense of who you are.
Remember that the man in question fell for you – the distinct, interesting, and independent version of you.
So, if you morph into a shadow of him, the spark will naturally die because the mystery is gone.
Plus, placing your entire source of happiness on one person is a heavy burden for them to carry.
Instead of losing yourself thinking it will make him love you more, keep your hobbies, your friends and your life.
It actually makes you more attractive.
3. Expecting Him to Be a Mind Reader
I know it feels romantic to think, “If he loved me, he would just know.”
But please, let’s be real and stop living in la-la land.
Men are not psychics; they don’t always know what you need if you don’t vocalize it.
If you want them to know something or do something for you, you might have to tell them.
So, stop saying, “I’m fine” when you are actually seething with rage; that would do you no good.
If you want a healthy relationship, you must be ready to be clear and not play puzzles.
If you need more affection, say it.
If his jokes hurt your feelings, tell him.
I know vulnerability is scary, but expecting him to decode your silence is not fair to him, nor is it good for the relationship you want to build.
4. Treating the First Few Dates Like a Job Interview
There is so much talk on the internet about grilling your date on the first date, so you can know whether they are worth pursuing from the word go.
So, you go on dates, making the guy feel like he’s being grilled for a CEO position.
You start asking interview questions like:
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Do you want kids immediately?
What is your credit score?
I understand that all these questions are important, but they don’t have to be asked on the first date, or at least, not like that.
It creates intense pressure that makes it difficult to connect.
Dating is supposed to be fun, and it’s supposed to be about discovering another person.
But when you are too focused on checking boxes off a list, you might miss the human being in front of you.
So instead of interviewing him, get to know him and let the conversation flow naturally.
You will be surprised that you will find out his credit score (or more accurately, his financial status and principles) without coming directly to ask about his credit score.
5. Trying to Fix Him
A lot of us women have this strange nurturing instinct that kicks in when we meet a “broken” man.
I don’t know why we do, but it’s something many of us can relate to.
For instance, you may see an emotionally unavailable man and think he is just a puzzle that you need to solve.
Then you convince yourself that with enough love and patience, you can turn the bad boy into a devoted husband.
If you find yourself doing this, please stop it.
Remember that you are looking for a partner, not a project, and you are not a rehabilitation center for emotionally stunted men.
Plus, nobody takes kindly to being seen as a project.
So, rather than exhausting yourself trying to change people, accept people as they are now.
And if who they are now isn’t what you need, walk away.
6. Moving at a Fast Speed
A lot of women grew up on fairy tales, and since many of them end with a wedding, it has given many of us a warped idea of the progression of a relationship.
That’s why some women have two great dates, and suddenly start mentally planning the wedding, naming their future children, and assuming they are exclusive without actually having the conversation.
In real life, this is not often how it happens.
And you will do yourself a world of good by living in the present.
While I am not saying you shouldn’t look forward to a wedding if you want one, you shouldn’t rush the process – even in your mind.
When you do, you will create a false sense of intimacy.
And it can scare the right guy away because, believe it or not, they can feel the pressure radiating off you.
So, slow down; let him earn a place in your life before you give him the keys to your heart.
7. Punishing Him for Your Ex’s Mistakes
If you want a good guy, you need to be ready to treat him as an individual, not as an extension of your ex.
For example, if your new man is genuinely sweet, don’t be tempted to check his phone or doubt his compliments because you’ve been burned before.
You are essentially making him prove he isn’t the bad guy from your past, which can be very exhausting.
So, if you’re not certain you’ve healed, maybe pause dating until after you are.
That way, you will be able to approach the relationship as a brand new person dating a different person and not an extension of your past.