I have a male friend who got married before me, when we were quite young.
We were in our mid-20s when he got married, and even his parents felt it was too early.
But he was so excited to get married to the lady he had been dating since College that everybody got over their objections.
In fact, I’d say his excitement was infectious.
Surprisingly, a few years after that, his wife called me to confide in me that the marriage was draining.
I honestly couldn’t believe it; one, because my friend is a genuinely good guy.
In case you think I’m covering up for him, I am not.
I’ve known him since the first year of High School, and he has been consistently a great guy.
He was also very much in love with her when they got married; we could all attest to how adoringly he spoke about her in her absence.
So, although I didn’t invalidate her, I was just genuinely confused.
How?
But when I asked for details, it made things clearer… and when I spoke to him later, I confirmed my fears.
He had certain habits that were draining her, although he didn’t mean to.
In his own case, he was possessive to a fault.
So, that made him irrationally jealous and controlling.
Luckily, I was able to speak sense into him, and he started therapy for his insecurities that he was projecting onto her.
Now, I say that to make you understand that this is not an attack; think of it as a quiet tap on the shoulder to call your attention.
Because I understand that a lot of men drain their wives without meaning to, and then wonder why the woman they married looks tired, distant, or no longer herself.
If, like my friend, you want to make sure your wife isn’t mentally exhausted, this is worth reading. And if any of the points sound familiar, it’s worth adjusting.
If You Have These 7 Habits, You’re Draining Your Wife
1. You’re forcefully changing her
Women do this too, so I won’t say it is more common with men.
However, it can be harder to deal with when it’s a man – especially in certain cultures – because he has societal backing.
They will say he is the head of the home, and he is just trying to lead.
So, you may genuinely think you are being a leader.
But being a leader doesn’t mean your “followers” have to become your clones.
A good leader knows how to let people be their unique selves and maximize their strengths while gently guiding them to work on their weaknesses.
Simply put, if you keep trying to reshape her into who you think she should be, you are not leading her; you are just exhausting her.
You keep correcting how she thinks, dresses, talks, and prays.
She’s exhausted trying to be your clone.
What then happens is that she stops relaxing around you; she starts performing instead.
And that is draining; even professional actors have off-time where they are allowed to be themselves.
As I said, you can influence your wife, but you must do it with patience and respect.
You must give her room to grow in her own way, not under pressure, threat, or constant reminders that she is not enough yet.
2. You act like you are jealous of her
I honestly cannot wrap my head around this because you are supposed to be a unit.
That means what’s hers is yours, and what’s yours is hers.
Unfortunately, some men have bought into that “I must always be bigger than my wife, or I’m not man enough” rhetoric that makes them become their wife’s enemy of progress rather than her biggest supporter.
But when you compete with your wife, you will drain her.
Ordinarily, you should support her confidence, success, friendships, or attention from others.
However, if they make you tense or bitter, she will feel it, no matter how you try to hide it.
In fact, you cannot hide it because it always spills out in how you speak to her or talk about her accomplishments.
So, she might start shrinking herself to accommodate your ego, so you can feel bigger.
But that takes energy… a lot of it.
In a healthy marriage, a man is secure enough to cheer his wife on.
He does not see her wins as a threat; he sees them as shared victories.
And so, his wife feels safe to soar.
3. You don’t take responsibility
If everything is always your wife’s fault, she will eventually get tired of explaining and apologizing alone.
She will get tired of carrying the blame that does not belong to her.
Now, I’m sure you’ve convinced yourself that you’re not blaming her unjustly – she’s really at fault – but take a pause there.
Are you really being honest? Is she really the only one to blame for everything? Are you saying you never do anything wrong?
This thing requires a little introspection, and you will see that you also have faults because you are human and thus imperfect.
But when you refuse to own your mistakes, she ends up doing emotional cleanup for both of you, and that is draining.
4. You’re constantly criticizing her
Correction is one thing, constant criticism is another.
If most of what she hears from you is what she did wrong, how she could have done better, or why she missed it again, you will dull her spirit.
And she may stop trying altogether.
Or she may keep trying while feeling unseen.
Both are exhausting.
I know there are certain things she does wrong – she’s human after all – but she also does some things right.
A healthy husband notices the latter as well.
Yes, he still addresses issues, but not in a way that makes his wife feel small or incapable.
5. You’ve stifled her voice
Another way you may be draining your wife is when you don’t let her speak.
This is not literal, but more figuratively, where her opinion does not matter.
When a woman talks and she is shut down, talked over, or dismissed, it is bound to exhaust her.
A woman wants to know her opinions are valid, not treated like noise.
I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if the tables were turned.
So, you shouldn’t let your wife think that speaking costs her peace.
If you do, she may go silent while battling resentment and bitterness that could cost you your marriage when she finally explodes… and she will; it’s only a matter of time.
6. You make demands and give nothing in return
Again, many men unknowingly do this because they have the backing of society.
The society makes them feel their wife is supposed to bend to their every whim and caprice while they do nothing.
So, they may expect her to serve, adjust, support, understand, and sacrifice, while they remain unchanged.
That’s a recipe for disaster because marriage cannot survive on one-sided effort; it needs combined effort.
If you want your marriage to last, you need to give as much as you expect.
You must learn to pour back into your wife, and not treat love like a list of duties she owes you.
7. You don’t respect her
Again, some men erroneously believe that they don’t have to respect their wives; they just have to love them, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.
The truth is that women want to be respected as much as men.
Plus, respect is part of love.
So, when you disrespect her, you are basically showing her you don’t love her.
Now, some men may be racking their brains because they’ve been led to equate respect with subservience; that’s also untrue.
You disrespect your wife when you ignore her boundaries, speak to her harshly, make decisions without her, and joke at her expense.
Not only is it exhausting when you do that, but it also affects her sense of worth.
A man who respects his wife will speak to her with care, even in disagreement.
And he will never let her feel less of herself.