If you’ve spent enough time on the internet, you may have heard men advise each other not to open up to their women.
Their reasons vary.
But mostly, it is about being seen as weak by their women, and because they believe it will be used against them later.
Now, as a woman myself, this particularly makes me sad.
I understand that society is more forgiving towards my vulnerability, so that makes it safe for me to show my weakness.
But much more than that, I don’t believe it’s possible to achieve deep emotional intimacy with your partner without truly being vulnerable.
And that’s why love is scary most times, because you have to share your deepest parts with another person.
However, it’s also what makes it so beautiful.
So, I don’t believe I’m exaggerating when I say your relationship will be grossly limited if your man struggles to open up.
If you agree with this sentiment, I believe that’s why you are here; you want to know how to make your man open up more.
Well, the first thing you need to know is that nagging him isn’t the way.
If you want results, you need to create a safe space where he feels comfortable enough to open up.
How to Create a Safe Space for Your Man to Open Up To You More
1. Stop using his vulnerable state against him
Like I said earlier, one of the reasons men are afraid to open up is that they are scared it will be used against them in the future.
If a man has trusted you enough to open up to you, you need to keep that trust by not using it against him ever.
Trust me, if you ever raise it again in an argument, it will take a miracle for him to ever open up to you again.
Now, I’m not saying you can’t ever refer to it, but you shouldn’t use it as a weapon to win a fight.
Let me show you the difference.
For instance, if your husband tells you the reason he acts a certain way is that he was once abused, you shouldn’t ever say something like, “Just because you were abused doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hear what I’m saying.”
If you do, you drive him right back into the shell that took him time to come out of.
That’s weaponizing.
Now, if, on the other hand, you say something like, “I understand why you acted that way, it was because of what you went through”, that’s referencing.
The former is with an intent to hurt, and the latter is to further understand him.
Because that’s why he shared that information with you anyway; he wants you to understand him better, not use it as a weapon to remind him of his trauma.
2. Protect his information
And by that, I simply mean keep his secret.
I remember making this mistake with an ex.
He told me he used to be an alcoholic.
For some reason, he was very ashamed of that fact.
And I knew that.
But then I told my brother because I didn’t think it was anything to be ashamed of.
To me, it was a huge testimony that I was excited to share.
But in hindsight, I see why he was mad when he found out; it doesn’t matter how I felt about it, what matters is that it was information he had told me in confidence.
And I should never have shared it with anyone.
I started with that because I can imagine some people arguing that they only told a trusted friend or family member.
It doesn’t matter!
Besides the fact that there are certain details about your relationship you shouldn’t share with friends, it’s still not your place.
It’s not your story, so you can’t determine who’s the safe person to share it with.
If he shares confidential information with you, take it to your grave and let him do the sharing if he wants to.
If he knows his information is safe with you, he would be inclined to open up more.
3. Don’t try to fix him
Now, this one is dicey.
Of course, if he’s very traumatized and what he went through is straining your relationship, you should encourage him to go for therapy.
However, even at that, the moment when he shares it is the wrong time to say that.
At that moment, all he needs is some acknowledgement.
He just wants you to validate his feelings and offer comfort if need be.
Don’t be tempted to go straight to fixing or psychoanalyzing him.
I know you mean well, but that’s not what he needs at that moment.
When he shares, he’s not asking you to solve it; he’s asking you to witness it.
You know, the funny thing is that women are always complaining that men are too solution-oriented.
You tell your man about your troublesome colleague, and he goes into fixing mode, telling you how to handle the situation when you just wanted to rant.
Well, ladies, I’m here to burst our collective bubbles to let you know that we do it too.
Many times, we also want to fix our men because we are nurturers at heart.
But resist that temptation as much as you can.
And when in doubt about what to do, ask him what he needs you to do for him at that moment, what will touch his soul and make him be at peace.
Then be that for him.
4. Respond to the emotion, not just the information
I’m not even going to lie, some information can be terrifying.
So I can imagine that you want to let loose when he shares some things with you.
But he’s your man; you know him best.
That means you should know when he’s completely broken or sad.
So, instead of reacting to the information you are hearing, respond to the emotion he’s exuding at that moment.
Is he looking belligerent? Be patient.
Is he sad? Give comfort.
Forget the information for now; you can process it later.
But focus on responding to his emotions at the time he’s most vulnerable, and he will reward you with more times of vulnerability.
5. Be emotionally steady when he isn’t
Similar to the above, your man is likely to want to open up to you if he knows you can handle the information.
I know the stereotype is that women are emotional while men are logical.
I don’t think that’s necessarily true, though.
It depends on what you think emotions are — anger is also an emotion.
But let’s not deviate so we don’t go off-tangent.
What I mean is that women can be emotionally strong when we need to be.
So, I just need you to channel that strength that I know is in you at that moment.
Men are natural protectors; they feel a need to be your hero.
So if your man senses you’ll collapse or explode, he’ll want to “protect” you instead of opening up.
He’ll feel the need to shield you from the truth.
If you don’t want that, you need to show him you can handle it.
That way, he can be encouraged to lean on your strength.
6. Respect his processing speed
If you don’t want your man to clamp up mid-conversation, then you need to respect his processing speed.
I understand that you want to hear what he has to say quickly, so you want to speed him up.
But you need to remember that this is probably new territory for him.
While you may not struggle with being vulnerable, he probably does.
So you need to patiently let him navigate this new terrain without rushing him along.
Some men may need to think while speaking, and others may need silence before they can articulate their thoughts.
Whatever your man needs, be ready to patiently wait it out.
And that absence of pressure will make it easy for him to keep opening up to you.
7. Reward his honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable
Another way to get your man to open up is to appreciate his transparency instead of punishing him with criticism.
Of course, if he’s giving you information he should have given you earlier, or he deliberately deceived you, I can understand being upset.
But if he’s just opening up normally about certain uncomfortable truths, don’t shut him down by criticizing him.
For instance, if he told you something unsavory about his past, and you know he’s a changed man, it will be a huge mistake to criticize him.
Keep the past where it should be – right behind you.
If it’s not affecting the present, then it shouldn’t be an issue.
So instead of putting on the garment of a judge, let him feel appreciated for opening up, so he can want to do it more.
8. Manage your tone and body language during difficult conversations
If there’s one thing you need to know about the average man, it is that he shuts down easily.
As I said earlier, they don’t feel safe enough to be vulnerable.
So, best believe that if he senses anything unsafe, he will immediately withdraw.
That’s why you must pay attention to your reactions during difficult conversations.
Pay particular attention to your tone and facial expressions.
Has your voice suddenly become sharper because he shared something shocking, or did you take on a “I’m so disappointed in you” stance?
If you do, you can shut him down instantly.
To get him to freely share more, work on keeping a poker face or a more sympathetic face.