A common piece of advice you’ll often hear when it comes to marriage and relationships is honesty and transparency.
And I totally believe in it.
However, life is not so black and white, and when we look into the nuances, we will see that it is also good advice not to discuss every single thing with your partner.
Now, note that I’m pro-honesty and transparency, so this is not to advocate for lying and hiding information you should share with your partner.
Instead, this is a call for wisdom.
Are there pieces of information your partner absolutely needs to know, especially if it will help them make an informed decision at any point? Yes.
But are there equally sensitive things that they don’t need to know because saying it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things? Yes.
So, two things can be true at once – that’s what I’m advocating for.
If you agree with me, you can keep on reading as I share those things I believe don’t have to be discussed with your partner.
And even if you disagree, you should probably still read on.
Who knows, I might be able to convince you.
8 Things You Should Never Discuss with Your Partner
1. Divorce
I watched a video of Ciara on a podcast a few weeks ago.
As you likely know, many people see her union with Russel Wilson as admirable and worthy of emulation.
Anyway, she was asked to give marriage advice, and she mentioned that her pastor said they should never mention the D-word in their home.
That’s divorce, in case you are wondering.
Now, am I saying it should never come up in a discussion? Absolutely not!
I mean, it is a reality of life, and you might even need to discuss it in relation to another couple you know or a story you heard.
So, I’m not saying it should be like a taboo in your home where you can never mention it.
All I’m saying is that you should never brandish it like a weapon, especially during arguments.
Trust me, throwing the word around in an argument can do lasting damage.
Even if you don’t mean it, it plants a seed that your relationship is disposable.
And once that idea enters your partner’s mind, it’s hard to take it back.
Plus, I’m a big believer in the power of the tongue, so I feel like even throwing it around as an option is conditioning the atmosphere.
How about manifesting good things in your home’s atmosphere instead of feeling the need to bring up divorce every time?
But more importantly, focus on resolving the issue at hand that’s making you feel the need to mention it.
That way, you don’t weaken the security and trust you both need to build a lasting marriage.
Let me put a balance, though, that I’m not saying divorce is never an option.
Unfortunately, there are cases where it might be the best thing for one or both parties.
But I’m speaking about an ideal situation where you are both good but flawed people who lock heads sometimes.
In those moments, avoid mentioning divorce; fix the issue.
And if you’re in a relationship, replace yours with a breakup; the same rule applies.
2. Details of Past Sexual Experiences
I understand that you want to be transparent.
But there’s no benefit in sharing graphic details about what happened with your ex, because it doesn’t make your partner trust you more.
Rather, it stirs up unnecessary insecurity and comparison.
Everyone has a past, but not everything needs to be discussed in detail.
Now, am I saying you should pretend to be a virgin when you’re not or act like you never had exes? No.
Your partner should definitely have an idea of your past relationships; they should know you had them and maybe why you broke up.
But going into details about old sexual experiences can make your partner question whether they measure up or if you secretly miss that person.
So, keep your past where it belongs and focus on building intimacy in your present relationship.
3. Every Person You Find Attractive
As much as we pretend otherwise, it’s natural to notice other people even when you love your partner.
That’s why love is primarily a commitment to stick to and be faithful to your partner.
So, finding someone attractive is not the issue, but going on to act on it.
However, just because you don’t act on it doesn’t mean your partner needs to know about every single person.
Constantly pointing out people you find attractive to them will likely cause tension.
They don’t need to know every fleeting thought or crush, or you may begin to sound like you are disrespecting them, rather than being honest.
And over time, it can chip away at their confidence and sense of security.
Trust me, some thoughts are better left unsaid for the peace of your relationship.
4. Negative Comments About Their Family and Friends
Even if their family or friends drive you crazy, criticizing them openly can make your partner defensive.
I know you might find them offensive, but remember that your partner loves them.
And people usually feel protective of those they care about, even when they complain about them.
So, when you speak harshly about their loved ones, it can feel like you’re attacking them too.
If something genuinely bothers you, address it calmly and privately.
But constantly speaking ill of their family or friends will only create unnecessary friction between you.
5. Past Arguments That Are Still Sensitive
Reopening old wounds during new disagreements is one of the quickest ways to destroy peace in your relationship.
When you keep bringing up past arguments, it tells your partner you never truly forgave them.
And instead of moving forward, you both end up stuck in a cycle that does nothing for your union.
Some issues should be left in the past once resolved.
If it still hurts, talk about it to heal, not to win a fight.
Instead of constantly bringing it up, resolve the issue and let it go.
6. All Your Past Relationship Mistakes
Being honest doesn’t mean unloading every mistake you ever made in past relationships.
Sharing too much can make your partner doubt you or wonder if history might repeat itself.
While it’s good to acknowledge the lessons you’ve learned, oversharing only makes your partner worry unnecessarily.
So, rather than that, talk about growth.
As long as you’re no longer the person you used to be, focus on showing your current partner the person you’ve become.
7. Brutally Honest Opinion About Them
Some people claim to be honest or blunt, but they are really just harsh.
Yes, honesty has its place, but cruelty disguised as “just being real” can crush your partner’s self-esteem.
You don’t have to say every harsh thought that crosses your mind, especially about their appearance, habits, or dreams.
I get that you’re a “truthful” person, but love is more important than truth.
Is that truth breaking the ethics of love? Then, it might not be necessary to say.
Brutal honesty often does more harm than good.
This is not to say you can’t share constructive feedback, but that’s different from blunt harshness.
Always choose words that build your partner, not break them.
Let them feel safe being vulnerable with you, not scared you will likely throw a verbal blow their way.
8. Their Past Mistakes
Everyone slips up, but constantly reminding your partner of their mistakes is unfair.
If they’ve sought forgiveness from you, if it had to do with you, or sought redress if it was an external mistake (maybe with work), let it go.
Don’t constantly bring it up, especially during an argument or to one-up them.
If you really want them to grow, you need to let it go, because no one can truly grow in an environment where they’re always being reminded of how they failed.
Plus, holding it over their head does nothing for your relationship; it even weakens it.
If you want a strong union, forgive and move on from past mistakes – yours and your partner’s.