When I was younger, I used to hear people say marriage needs to be endured. ‘
I was quite young when I first started hearing it – in my early teenage years – and I always felt like that was hogwash.
Now that I’m older, I think it is definitely hogwash.
Let me explain.
Yes, I understand that marriage comes with its own challenges that require resilience.
I understand that you shouldn’t quit marriage at the first sign of disagreement, and you both will need to tolerate each other’s flaws.
So, I am not naive.
I just happen to also know that there is a difference between tolerating someone and enduring them.
Can you probably still do the latter if you have the grace? Absolutely.
What I don’t agree with is that that’s the way things must be, like every marriage must be endured.
I think, while people have different issues that may cause clashes when they come into a union, none of them should be deliberately hurting the other, which is what you do when you are making marriage difficult for your spouse.
Now, I am willing to believe it might be unintentional in some cases, which is probably why you are reading this.
So, if you want to know if it applies to you, keep reading.
7 Signs You’re Making Marriage Difficult for Your Spouse
1. You Criticize Them Harshly
It is practically impossible for two people to come together without having disagreements.
Even twins don’t always see things eye to eye.
Also, some things will constitute your strength while your partner might struggle with them, and vice versa.
In those instances, it is normal to want to set them straight.
The problem is not that you shouldn’t, it is how you do it.
There’s a huge difference between helpful feedback and tearing your spouse down.
In many cases, it’s not really what you say, but how you say things.
Two people can criticize someone for their lack of organization, and they will take the word of one in good faith while being defensive over the other.
What changed? Likely the way it was delivered.
So, if you’re constantly pointing out your spouse’s flaws using sarcasm or nitpicking everything they do, it’s not surprising that they are not receiving it well and growing distant from you.
For you, you may be thinking, “but I’m just trying to make them better”, but for them, it may be interpreted as, “I never do anything right; anything I do is criticized, and so, I won’t ever be enough.”
I say that to say, your intention might be noble, but you need to understand that harsh criticism is not productive; it neither changes your partner nor serves your marriage.
So, why not try constructive criticism and letting some things go if they are not a life and death situation?
How about teaching by example instead, and giving feedback without tearing your partner down?
Your spouse should feel safe around you; they shouldn’t feel like they’re walking on eggshells.
Nobody wants to be in a relationship where they feel like they’re never good enough.
If your words sting more than they support, it’s time to check your tone.
Make it more encouraging and gentle, and you will see how much difference it makes.
2. You Communicate Poorly
When communication is being discussed, you are sure to hear cliched words like bedrock, lifeline, foundation or maybe even cornerstone, lol.
Really, though, communication is essential.
Many relationships and marriages have been destroyed that would have still been blossoming if the parties had just talked.
So, it can be frustrating having a spouse who doesn’t talk.
Now, it’s okay to be quiet; you don’t have to talk all the time if that’s not your thing, but you must also talk where it matters.
You shouldn’t give your partner one-word answers, avoid tough conversations, or expect your spouse to “just know” how you feel.
That’s you making things harder than they need to be.
Marriage can’t thrive on silence, passive-aggression, or guessing games.
Your spouse isn’t a mind reader; they need to know what you’re thinking.
So, be clear and also willing to listen to them.
Or else, you will frustrate your spouse, no matter how loving they are.
3. You Don’t Forgive Easily
Remember when I spoke about marriage needing resilience earlier? Yes, this is part of what I mean.
You must be willing to forgive your partner because trust me, they are going to hurt you.
I heard someone say spouses should be ready to forgive in advance, and I think that’s genius thinking.
You know why? Because your partner will offend you – it’s a given.
Thinking otherwise is being naive.
They are not perfect, neither are you; so your imperfections will clash occasionally – hopefully, not regularly.
That’s why you cannot afford to hold on to every mistake your spouse has ever made.
It serves you nothing to hold on to and keep bringing up past wrongs or keeping scores.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t address issues or excuse bad behavior – that’s another extreme; don’t sweep things that need to be discussed under the carpet, or it will come back to bite you in the behind.
Rather, when you discuss and they apologize, forgive them and let it go.
Learn to always show some grace to your spouse because everyone messes up, even you.
4. You Withdraw Intimacy
Withholding physical or emotional intimacy as punishment or control isn’t fair.
Plus, it’s not productive; all it does is leave your spouse feeling unwanted, unloved, and confused.
Note that intimacy is more than just sex; it’s also cuddling, holding hands, affirming words, and genuine connection.
Don’t deny your partner that because you want to punish them or get them to do something.
If they offended you, let them know, so they can explain or apologize.
Then, you can go back to living like the loving couple that you are.
Don’t suddenly shut them out, it’s not fair and it doesn’t help your marriage.
5. You Invalidate Their Feelings
Brushing off your spouse’s emotions or telling them they’re “too sensitive” is both dismissive and damaging.
You don’t have to agree with how they feel or even understand it, but you do need to acknowledge it and try to understand it.
When your partner is vulnerable with you, and you shut them down, they learn not to share things with you… And trust me, you don’t want that.
So, listen with empathy and try to understand where they’re coming from.
After all, validating their feelings doesn’t cost you anything, but it can save your marriage.
6. You Are Selfish
Marriage is a partnership; it’s a union of two people putting effort into making it work.
So, if you’re always only thinking about your own needs, your own happiness, your own schedule, you are being unfair to your partner and making the marriage difficult for them.
A one-sided relationship will exhaust even the most patient partner.
It’s okay to want things for yourself, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of your spouse’s peace.
Ask yourself often: “Am I being fair? Am I giving as much as I take?”
Don’t just take and take while giving nothing to your partner.
You will frustrate them and make them resentful.
7. You Don’t Put Any Effort
Similar to the above, marriage takes intentional effort.
Marriage is a plant that needs to be watered to grow; that’s why the grass is not always greener on the other side, but where you water it.
If you’ve stopped trying, you’re sending a message that you no longer care.
If you’ve stopped the sweet texts, date nights, appreciation, or simple acts of love, you are practically wishing for the love to die.
Your spouse shouldn’t have to beg for attention or romance.
Make sure you keep showing up, keep trying, and keep doing the small things that communicate that they still matter to you.