I met a lady recently who was convinced that female friendships were not worth it because she had fallen out with three of her female best friends.
My first thought when she mentioned that was that she must be the problem.
And I was more convinced when she explained what happened in all the situations.
It was clear she was the common denominator and the problem.
Unfortunately, she didn’t even know why she couldn’t enjoy her female friendships.
The reason I said that is that sometimes you may be complaining about how difficult it is to find love or why you’re stuck in a cycle of bad relationships when you’re the one who is actually difficult.
Maybe it’s time to look inward.
Maybe it’s time to ask yourself, “Am I difficult to love?”
The truth is that when more than two people feel the same way about you, you should definitely check yourself.
You are likely the issue.
You need to identify the problem so you can break the cycle.
Now, I understand how honest introspection can be challenging for some of us, so I will show you some signs to look out for to determine whether you are difficult to love or not.
Let’s get to them.
10 Signs You Are Difficult to Love
1. You lack self-awareness
Like the lady I spoke about earlier, if you don’t know how you come across to people, it’d be hard to even know how you are the problem.
This lady in question is obviously oblivious to the fact that she has a problem, and if she continues that way, she will spend her life convinced her friends are the problem when they aren’t.
The first sign that you may be difficult to love is a lack of self-awareness.
Trust me, if you cannot figure out who you are and the things you do wrong, you will never realize your wrongs enough to grow.
And that can be a difficult nature to live with.
The sad part is that you will continue in those patterns in your behavior and keep repeating the same things that push your partner away.
It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t pause to reflect or admit that they have room to grow beyond the present.
If you want to make it easier for others to love you, you need to develop self-awareness so you can identify areas in your life where you need improvement, even before your partner does.
2. You are always right
Nobody enjoys being in a relationship where there’s no room for another opinion.
Couples in healthy relationships compromise.
One person cannot always be right—I mean, it’s even impossible considering you are not God.
But even if you were actually always right, by some pure magic, someone who is ready to love can sometimes submit their opinion for their partner’s, especially on matters that are not life and death.
For example, does it really matter whether you use a brown curtain or a blue one?
I understand that you might be more aesthetically inclined, but sometimes, peace is preferable to being always right.
Not every disagreement has to turn into a battle.
If you prioritize being right over peace all the time, it’s only a matter of time before your partner starts to feel dismissed and belittled.
This also plays out when you never admit to being wrong because you don’t even see it as such.
If you are like that, it is not hard to see why others might struggle to love you.
3. You struggle with apologies even when you know you are wrong
It is one thing not to see your wrong at all; it is another to see your wrong and struggle to apologize.
Some people have terrible ego problems that make saying “I am sorry” difficult for them.
We all mess up sometimes, so that’s not the issue.
A partner who loves you will not even be expecting you not to.
But they also want you to be able to apologize when you do.
Love requires vulnerability, so refusing to apologize makes your partner feel unseen and unloved.
It makes them feel like you don’t value them or what you share.
Because if you do, you will be ready to let your ego go for the sake of keeping the relationship.
4. You are easily offended
Part of emotional maturity is being able to shrug some things off.
You cannot afford to let every single thing people do get under your skin.
Not only is it unhealthy for you to carry that kind of weight, but it is also not good for your relationship.
You will make your partner feel like they’re walking on eggshells around you.
Trust me, it’s emotionally exhausting trying not to offend or placate someone all the time.
Now, I’m not saying your partner shouldn’t mind your emotions or be cautious about offending you, but they should also not feel like you are a ticking time bomb.
They need to be free.
So, please understand that not everything is a personal attack, and not everything needs a defensive reaction.
You need to give your lover some grace so they can be at peace to love you.
Of course, if you feel that they are deliberately hurting you, then you should leave the relationship.
But if they aren’t, then trust them to do right by you.
And if they mess up—because they will occasionally—be ready to forgive and move on.
5. You struggle to forgive
Segueing from the last sentence of the last point, holding onto past hurts does nothing for your relationship.
And it does nothing for you.
If your partner has genuinely apologized and made amends, continuing to punish them does not serve you, to be honest.
If you speak to people who have been happily married for years, they will tell you that forgiveness is a big part of what made their union survive.
If you keep holding your partner over something they did in the past, you will make them resentful and poison your relationship.
I would advise that you end a relationship if you cannot forgive a hurt, rather than staying there and punishing your partner.
Again, it doesn’t serve you; it just makes you bitter and difficult to love.
6. You are controlling
Again, you don’t know it all, so you shouldn’t try to control everything your partner does, or you will frustrate them.
Personally, I don’t believe you need to force your opinion on something your lover does that does not directly affect you.
Now, I get that you can have an input because you see them as a reflection of you, but try not to want to manage their dressing, their friendships or how they prefer to do things.
If it’s not a matter of life and death or has a detrimental effect on your relationship, then let it go.
For instance, if they prefer to add salt at the beginning of their cooking process while you prefer it last, it is not really an issue to insist on.
Or is the way they stack the plate really an issue to insist on? I say no.
Of course, you can let them know if you have a better way, but don’t present it like you are speaking to a child.
And when you do, give them the freedom to choose to do it your way or not.
If you are constantly forcing them to take yours, trust me when I say you are suffocating them and making it difficult for them to love you.
7. You are very critical
I mean, this goes without saying, even you won’t survive with a highly critical person.
So, why should your partner?
Yes, there’s nothing wrong with giving feedback, but if everything your partner does is never good enough for you, you are draining their self-esteem.
I have said similar things about this in the previous points, so I won’t dwell so much on it.
However, let me reiterate that you should take a step back from making a fuss about flaws that don’t have life-threatening effects.
Instead of nitpicking every flaw, try appreciating what they are doing right.
From experience, encouragement will make them want to do better than constant harsh criticism.
8. You are selfish
A selfish partner is a difficult partner to love.
A relationship is a partnership; that means it can’t always revolve around your needs, plans or comfort.
If you want to be in a relationship, then you need to give as well as take.
If you are doing all the receiving and your partner gets nothing, it is no wonder they find you difficult to love.
To change things, you must start considering your partner’s feelings and be ready to make sacrifices for them, as they are hopefully doing for you.
9. You don’t handle conflict graciously
Conflict is normal in any relationship, but how you handle it says a lot.
If you shout, guilt-trip, or emotionally shut down whenever there’s an issue, you’re making it hard for your partner to feel safe.
You should handle conflicts graciously with a desire to resolve the issue, not to one-up or win the argument.
I mean, it’s not like you are getting a medal for winning the fight.
But even if you were, true lovers would forfeit that medal for the sake of the relationship.
If you see it that way, you will become more gracious in handling conflict and, ultimately, easier to love.
10. You think you are doing your significant other a favor by being with them
Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying you shouldn’t recognize your self-worth or even see yourself as a catch.
You should, so you don’t settle for anything in your relationship.
However, you should also not think your partner is lucky to have you, or else you’ll never truly see them as an equal.
If anything, you should believe you are lucky to have them while they feel the same way about you.
This is different from saying it as a joke occasionally, but deeply believing you are doing them a favor is a mindset rooted in pride.
Nobody wants to feel like they’re being tolerated; they want to know you love them and will choose them every day the same way they are.