Imagine thinking you’ve found the love of your life and you’re on the same page, when the reality is that the other person is not being sincere with you.
You feel you’re there, and unknown to you, you’re not even on the journey in his books.
I know I don’t want to ever be in this situation.
I also know many women would agree with me.
But sadly, just because you’re avoiding a certain situation doesn’t mean someone won’t bring it your way.
Someone may indeed try to use you as a rebound, and if you don’t know what to watch out for, you may end up playing a role you never signed up for.
8 Signs He’s Using You to Get Over Someone Else
1. He Mentions His Ex Frequently
Now, let me start by saying “frequently” is the emphasis here.
Because I don’t want you panicking just because your partner mentions an ex occasionally.
Talking about an ex once in a while is normal.
Sometimes, it comes up naturally in conversations, and that’s fine.
But when it starts to feel like she’s always part of the room, even when she’s not physically there, that’s different.
If he brings her up constantly, whether to commend, complain, or even just “reference something,” it means she’s still taking up space in his mind.
In fact, this also applies if he’s speaking negatively about her.
Don’t be fooled into thinking it doesn’t matter because he’s speaking negatively.
If he were truly healed, he’d be indifferent.
He wouldn’t care whether she’s a good or a bad person because she is now in his past.
He would also be more present with you.
So, his focus will be on you.
You’ll find that you’re not competing with a memory; but he’s seeing you and is present with you, and other women don’t matter, including his ex.
2. He Compares You to Her
When people are comparing you with someone else, especially in a relationship, they may not be direct.
Most times, they’re subtle.
In fact, sometimes, it is unconscious.
Because when someone occupies your mind, you speak about them often.
It just comes with the territory.
And sometimes, talking about her means comparing you to her.
You might hear him say things like, “You’re not like my ex, you’re way calmer,” or “My ex used to do this too.”
Again, it will not always look like an issue because it might even sound like a compliment.
He may say things that make you feel good about yourself compared to his ex.
But when he does it often, it means he’s filtering you through her.
You will find that your habits, your personality, even the way you react to things, all somehow get linked back to her.
So, you should not only be concerned when he’s putting you down.
Even when he says you’re “better,” there’s still an issue – the comparison; that’s the actual problem.
Because a man who is fully into you will see you for you, not as an upgrade or a contrast.
3. Hot-and-Cold Behavior
When a man’s using you to get over someone else, you’ll find that he’s inconsistent in his reaction to you.
One minute, he’s all over you with calls, texts, attention, and you will feel wanted.
Then suddenly, he will pull back and become distant, almost like a different person.
And you’ll be left trying to figure out what changed.
The reason he’s doing all that is that he’s confused, so he doesn’t really know how to act.
Basically, He leans into you when he feels lonely or misses the feeling of being with someone.
Then he withdraws when reality hits or when thoughts of his ex resurface.
If he were emotionally settled on you, he wouldn’t act like that.
His interest may grow over time, but it will stay steady.
Like I always say, when a man loves you and wants to be with you, you will never be in doubt.
You’ll not be left guessing where you stand every other day.
If you’re never sure – coupled with any of the other points on this list – it’s a huge sign he’s using you to get over someone else.
4. Lack of Emotional Availability
Another sign is emotional unavailability.
You will notice that conversations stay on the surface.
So, anytime things start getting deeper, he will either joke it away, change the topic, or shut down.
And he will completely avoid all talks about the future, even something as simple as next month.
It might not be obvious at first.
But over time, you will realize you don’t actually know him like you should at this stage.
That’s because he’s not ready to open up.
His emotional energy is still tied somewhere else.
5. The Relationship Moved Too Fast
Let me say this carefully, because fast doesn’t always mean fake.
Sometimes, you meet someone when you’re both ready, and things align quickly.
But if he just came out of a relationship and immediately rushed into things with you, showering you with attention, affection, and big promises, you need to pause.
I know that kind of intensity can feel good, especially if you want a relationship, but it can also be a way to distract himself from the pain of still loving his ex.
I always say this from my own experience.
I didn’t start a relationship with my man until after five years of being single.
Now, I’m not saying that’s the rule for everyone.
But there should be some space to heal and to rediscover yourself outside of a relationship.
When a man – or anybody for that matter – just leaves a relationship, jumping into another one is often because they are looking for a rebound.
To be sure, tell him to give you and himself time.
If he gets upset, you already have your answer.
A man who really likes you will be willing to be in the right state of mind for you.
6. He Is Still In Contact with Her
And not in a clearly defined way.
Because yes, sometimes people stay in touch with exes for valid reasons.
But you can usually tell when it’s harmless and when it’s not.
If they’re still talking regularly, checking in on each other emotionally, or maintaining a level of closeness that feels uncomfortable, then that connection hasn’t been fully cut.
And if it hasn’t been cut, it hasn’t been healed.
A man who is ready for you sets boundaries without you having to beg for them.
You won’t feel like you’re sharing him with someone from his past.
7. He Is Secretive with His Phone
I’m not one to support snooping.
Honestly, I think it creates more problems than it solves.
But at the same time, there’s a difference between privacy and secrecy.
If he acts like his phone is a locked vault, always turning the screen away, stepping out to take calls, or getting defensive over simple things, that’s not normal behavior in a healthy relationship.
It usually points to something he doesn’t want you to see.
A man who has nothing to hide doesn’t behave like he’s constantly covering his tracks.
He’ll be open with you, even without you asking for it.
So, in this context, he may be hiding the fact that he’s still in very close contact with his ex.
8. You Feel Like a Placeholder
This one is less about what he does and more about how you feel.
You might notice that he’s fully present when he needs comfort, attention, or even physical intimacy.
But once those needs are met, he pulls back again.
No matter how delulu you want to be, you should eventually see that you’re just there to fill a gap, not to be chosen.
You might struggle to put the feelings into words, but you will know it’s real.
You will feel strongly that you’re standing in for someone else.
However, when a man truly wants you, you won’t feel temporary.
You will feel secure, seen, and most importantly, chosen.