I remember this lady who came on the Ask Steve section of Steve Harvey’s show to talk about her man of 9 years, who doesn’t want a label, and she was asking what to do.
I watched that clip in amazement because I was wondering how she managed to remain in a relationship for 9 years with a man who is hesitant to claim her.
She must have successfully lied to herself in that relationship, and she was still lying to herself if she was still asking what to do.
Based on this lady and many others that I’ve encountered, I’ve concluded that sometimes, the hardest part of leaving a bad relationship is not the man; it is the story women keep telling themselves about him.
The truth is that many women won’t stay that long in bad relationships if they’ve not filled their heads with lies they keep repeating to themselves.
But because they don’t want to face their truth, they choose lies that I will admit sound hopeful, but are lies nonetheless.
If this is you, you deserve to be delivered from that trap.
8 Lies Women Tell Themselves That Keep Them Stuck in Bad Relationships
1. I Can Change Him
This is probably the most common lie women tell themselves because this is the one I hear the most.
And yes, as I said, some of these lies sound hopeful — this is a good example of one of them.
It sounds hopeful, but most of the time, it is just wishful thinking.
The truth is that people rarely change because someone else wants them to.
People only change when they are uncomfortable with their own behavior and decide to do better.
They don’t change because a girlfriend begged them or because a wife cried about it.
In fact, people may want to change and struggle to do so because old habits die hard.
So, why would anyone think they can change another?
You are dealing with a whole human being; you can’t fix them if they don’t want to be fixed, no matter how you try.
That’s why we say relationships are not rehabilitation centers.
I’m not saying you can’t influence each other, but there has to be a willingness on his part.
A man who wants to change will show signs of it on his own.
If months go by and nothing improves, then what you are seeing is probably who he really is; the better you accept it, the better for you.
2. He’s Not That Bad
You would be surprised how many women downplay their own misery.
You can see clearly that she’s drained, anxious, and disrespected, and she’ll still insist he’s not that bad.
Most times when women say things like this, it is because they don’t want to face the truth that will make them have to leave.
But if you are always exhausted in your relationship, if you cry more than you laugh, if you feel small around him or constantly on edge, then yes, he might actually be that bad for you.
Minimizing it is not going to make it go away; it’s just going to make you keep tolerating a situation that’s bad for you, so much so that what bothered you last year becomes normal this year.
Before long, the bar for what you accept in a relationship drops dangerously low.
He’ll say, “thank you”, and you’ll act like he emptied his account for you.
3. How Do I Know the Next Man Won’t Be Worse?
This one traps many women in relationships that are clearly going nowhere.
Because, to be fair, many of us struggle with the fear of the unknown, so we hold on to the discomfort that feels familiar.
So, in the same vein, a lot of women stay in a relationship that’s obviously not good for them, because they are worried that the next one might be worse.
But think about it for a second.
The fact that a future relationship might be worse does not mean this one is good enough to keep.
Those two things are not the same.
And honestly, being single for a while is not the worst thing that can happen to you.
Many women actually rediscover themselves during that time.
That’s why, firstly, women need to demystify being in a relationship.
Yes, love is beautiful.
But the emphasis is on love, not a relationship.
If there’s no love in your relationship — whereby you love and are being loved — it’s not worth it.
Plus, to give you hope, men are not a monolith; there are good men out there.
But you will never meet them if you stay stuck with the wrong one.
Not to sound too spiritual, but a new door hardly opens when you are stuck in another room; you need to leave that room for a new door to open to you.
4. Men Are Polygamous in Nature
This idea has been repeated so often that some women now treat it like a biological truth.
But let me tell you for free, that idea is mostly a convenient excuse that allows certain men to behave badly without consequences.
They propagate that idea because if cheating is just “natural,” then the woman is expected to tolerate it.
You will be doing yourself a world of good not to believe that because it is not true.
The number of men who choose to be faithful every single day already negates that belief.
If it were natural, no man would be monogamous.
So why stay with a cheater when you can find a faithful one?
And the funny thing is that once you stop believing this lie, you expect better.
Then you will find yourself being able to recognize men who are serious about commitment.
5. If I Just Do So and So, It Will Get Better
When a woman says this, she has very likely been gaslighted for a long time.
So, she begins to believe the relationship problems exist because she did something wrong.
She convinces herself, or she’s been convinced, that it’s because she’s a certain way and things would get better once she learns to be quieter, more patient, more understanding.
And so she keeps adjusting herself, hoping that if she behaves differently, the relationship will improve.
But really, nobody can turn someone into something they are not.
A mango tree cannot produce apples, no matter how hard you pressure it.
If a man is disrespectful, dishonest, or careless with your feelings, that character was already there.
You didn’t make him the way he is; he was already like that.
Maybe circumstances brought it out, yes, but that’s who he is.
And in fact, I’ve noticed that many women who blame themselves for other people’s actions are often the kindest people in the relationship.
If you were truly the problem, I can tell you that you probably would not even be reflecting this deeply about it.
6. I’m Too Old to Start Over
This thought hits many women, especially once they cross their 30s.
At that age, the idea of leaving terrifies them because they feel they’re getting too old and don’t have the luxury to be picky.
But choosing to be in a healthy relationship is not being too picky; it is a matter of survival.
A lot of women have lost their lives because they were in the wrong relationship.
So, it’s fine to be picky if the alternative is a terrible relationship.
Yes, I understand that there’s more pressure due to marriage expectations.
Also, people make it seem like men are not interested in women in their 30s, so you’re afraid you may not meet someone else.
Therefore, you convince yourself to manage the situation instead of leaving it.
But the real tragedy is not starting over in your 30s or 40s; the real tragedy is spending the next twenty years in a relationship that steals your peace.
And contrary to popular belief, life does not end at 30; people find love, happiness, and completely new beginnings at every stage of life.
Staying with the wrong person simply because of age is like refusing to leave a burning house because you already paid the rent.
7. He Has Potential
Potential can be very seductive.
You look at a man, and you see what he could become.
You imagine the future version of him who finally gets his act together, builds something meaningful, and becomes the partner you always hoped for.
But when all a man has is “potential” and you can’t see accompanying action, I hate to break your bubble, but you’re living in la-la land.
Men who truly have drive are not sitting around waiting for someone to notice their potential.
They are out there working, trying, failing, and trying again.
Even if they are not where they want to be now, you can clearly see the effort.
In the same vein, the right man is not waiting for his future self to show you he cares about you; he shows it now.
He may not be perfect at it, but he will show it clearly enough that you do not have to guess.
8. He’s Not Expressing His Feelings Because Men Don’t Express Their Feelings
Yes, some men struggle to talk about their emotions; that part is true.
But many women stretch that explanation to cover behavior that clearly shows indifference.
A man who genuinely likes you usually finds a way to make that clear.
He may not write long emotional speeches or sit down for deep conversations every night.
But his actions will speak loudly enough.
He will check in, show interest, and make an effort to be present in your life.
So when a man is consistently nonchalant, distant, and uninterested, don’t be deceived into thinking it’s because he cannot express feelings.
In an actual sense, it’s because the feelings are not there.
I always say when a man loves you, you won’t be in doubt.
If you are, he likely doesn’t.