Many years ago, I made a post on my Facebook where I basically said, “Sometimes, you need to admit you were the problem in your former relationship, and that’s okay. Because being honest with yourself is the best way to move forward, and make sure the past doesn’t repeat itself.”
It’s easy to point fingers when things feel off in your marriage.
Many of us do it: we see an issue and, instead of introspecting, we point fingers at the other person.
You feel your partner is the problem; if they would just change a few things, everything would be fine.
But sometimes, the hard truth many of us don’t want to live with is that we might be part of the reason things aren’t working.
In fact, in some cases, you’re the reason your marriage is struggling.
And I’m not saying that to blame you or make you feel bad.
I’m saying it because once you can see your role clearly, you can then work to fix things.
If you agree with me, let’s talk about a few ways you might be making your marriage stressful.
8 Reasons You’re the Reason Your Marriage Is Struggling
1. You avoid taking responsibility for your actions
I’m not even trying to blame anyone here because I completely understand not wanting the mirror turned your way.
It’s just easier if your partner is the one at fault.
So, when something goes wrong, your first instinct might be to explain or defend yourself, or worse, shift the blame.
And sure, sometimes you have valid reasons.
But if you ever rarely say, “That was on me,” your partner will soon start to feel like they’re always the problem, which is not good for your marriage.
Like I said, you may even have valid reasons, and your partner may truly have their fault.
But are you really completely guiltless?
I heard someone say a while back that in every conflict, both parties are at fault; the level just differs.
You may not agree with this, but in many cases, it is true.
Even if your partner has the higher fault, when you check closely, you may see what you could have done better.
For instance, maybe they spoke to you harshly because of what you did or maybe the issue is that you shouldn’t have used insulting words even though you were upset.
It could even be something as mild as not addressing that issue when you can see that they are exhausted.
Trust me, if you’re willing to take accountability, you’ll be surprised how quickly tension will soften in your home.
So, try owning your part, even if it’s small.
It shows maturity, and it gives your partner space to do the same without feeling attacked.
2. You communicate poorly or shut down during conflict
Another major thing that causes issues in homes is communication, especially during conflict.
A lot of couples may not struggle with communication when things are rosy; they know how to play, laugh and have small talk.
But the story changes drastically when it comes to handling conflict.
For instance, if your way of responding to conflict is to raise your voice, say things you don’t mean, or go completely quiet and withdraw, you’re basically stonewalling your partner.
And problems don’t get solved that way; they just sit there and grow.
If you want things to get better, you have to talk, you have to stay in the conversation, even when it’s uncomfortable.
I’m not even saying it has to be a perfect conversation, at least at the beginning.
Still, be willing to talk, to listen, and to come back when things get heated instead of disappearing emotionally.
3. You constantly criticize instead of addressing issues calmly
Some people disagree when you tell them how harmful criticism can be because they think you mean they shouldn’t address issues or speak out when their partner does something wrong.
That’s not what I’m saying.
I am not asking you not to say your truth, especially when it matters.
But there’s a difference between addressing a problem and constantly pointing out what your partner is doing wrong.
Yes, your partner might indeed be doing those things wrongly.
But when you complain about everything, your partner will soon stop hearing you.
Instead, they will feel the need to defend themselves, and they may even pull away eventually.
Basically, I’m saying, it is counterproductive.
Again, you can address the issue, but watch your tone when you do.
You should also note the time; addressing an issue when your partner is exhausted will not get you positive results.
Additionally, you need to understand that don’t have to address every issue.
You need to learn to live with some of your partner’s flaws.
You may not want to hear this, but it’s the truth.
If you keep fussing over every little thing, you will wear both yourself and your partner down.
So, resolve to live with some of them, especially when it’s not a life and death situation.
But really, what you should pick from this is that you should try saying what you need without tearing down your partner in the process.
4. You take your partner for granted
This thing happens to the best of us, unfortunately.
At the beginning, you don’t struggle to pay attention to them; there were butterflies, so it was easy.
You noticed the little things, said thank you, and showed up fully.
But somewhere along the way, when the emotional love starts shifting to something more steady, you start taking them for granted.
Because you assume they’ll always be there, you stop trying as much.
And that inevitably affects your bond
Because nobody likes to feel overlooked, especially not by the person they’re building a life with.
They want to see that you’re still noticing the different ways they show up for you and that you still desire them.
So, even though you don’t feel the butterflies some days, you must still decide to show up.
You must be deliberate about reminding your partner that they still matter to you if you don’t want them to get frustrated or resentful.
5. You prioritize others or distractions over your marriage
Sometimes it’s not even intentional.
It’s just that life can indeed get busy with work and the kids.
A couple can forget about each other in trying to feed the kids and take care of the family.
Again, this is where intentionality comes in.
While you indeed can’t neglect work or not take care of your children, you must still find time for your partner.
If not, you will wake up one day, seeing that you’re two strangers whose only connection is a marriage certificate and kids.
In particular, if your partner is complaining, you need to find a way to show your partner that they are still your priority.
One is to communicate your pressures, so they can understand them.
But you may still need to set boundaries, even with things that feel important.
Because your marriage can’t keep coming last if you want it to last.
6. You hold onto past mistakes and refuse to forgive
You say you’ve moved on, but you keep dredging up the past when you’re arguing today.
Trust me, you can’t build something healthy like that.
You can’t build for the future while still holding onto everything that hurt you in the past.
Now, I’m not saying you should forget what happened; you may not, depending on what it is.
But you do need to choose not to weaponize it anymore.
I know your partner may have hurt you, but if they’ve apologized, shown remorse and changed, and especially if you say you forgive them, you need to stop punishing them.
Trust me, while they may accept it at the start, it will eventually create an emotional distance between you.
Because one day, they will get tired of you holding the past against them.
7. You don’t make an effort to grow or improve yourself
It’s easy to expect change from your partner while staying exactly the same yourself.
But growth is not one-sided.
If you’re not working on your habits, your reactions, or even how you show up in the relationship, your marriage can’t move forward, because it takes two to tango.
A happy marriage needs two people who are willing to evolve, not just one.
So ask yourself honestly if you are not just expecting growth from your partner while doing nothing to get better.
If you do that, one, your partner may outgrow you, and you will have nothing in common, which could be what’s straining your marriage.
And secondly, your partner may grow tired of the selfish dynamic, which could also affect the marriage.
8. You expect your partner to meet needs you haven’t expressed
I don’t even understand why some of us expect our partners to be mind-readers when we should know better.
But I guess not all of us know better, so let me reiterate: your partner is not a mind-reader.
If you keep expecting them to be, you will keep getting disappointed.
And you will keep getting hurt and even neglected.
Sometimes, it may even lead to resentment, which could ruin your marriage.
If you don’t want that, stop assuming your partner should pick up on hints, moods, or unspoken expectations.
If you need something, let them know and also give room for them to speak up about their needs as well.