I used to find it difficult to understand when a couple that seems perfect on the outside breaks up or divorces.
For instance, when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie broke up, I was really shocked, because they seemed like they were made for each other.
At least, they seemed to share the same values, with Pitt adopting her children and all that.
I was younger then, so forgive my naivety.
Now that I’m older, I have come to realize that although couples break up because of actual differences in values and all that, sometimes, couples break up because they are looking for perfection in the other.
Or maybe not perfection, but they have a different opinion of what it means for someone to be perfect for them.
Let me explain.
I don’t deny that you should be with someone who, although imperfect, is perfect for you.
But what do we mean when we say someone is perfect for you? That’s the question.
Do we mean someone who ticks every single box you have – whether superficial or not?
Or do we mean someone who ticks the important boxes while we accept a lack of the non-essential ones?
I think that’s where the major conflict is.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, as that’s what this post discusses.
We will be looking at why you may think your spouse is imperfect for you, whether you are right in thinking that or not.
Let’s take a look.
8 Reasons Why Your Spouse Seems Imperfect for You
1. You’re holding onto unrealistic expectations
I think one of our issues is that we often forget that no one is perfect.
We know we are not perfect, but for some reason, some of us forget to show the same graciousness that we show ourselves to others.
So, it’s possible to go into relationships with a long mental list of what your partner should be like, whether realistic or not.
Then, we expect them to read our minds to become what we want or that they should never mess up.
We want them to always say the right thing and do the right thing.
Now, I can imagine you may want to argue that this doesn’t apply to you.
But let’s do a little introspection, shall we?
Are you sure you’re not this walking fairytale I just described?
If you’re certain you’re not, then go ahead to the next point.
But if you are, I need you to understand that that’s a lot of pressure to put on someone.
Plus, you’re setting yourself up for constant disappointment because your expectations are way too high.
Your spouse isn’t a superhero; they’re human, so of course, they will fall short of the standard and seem imperfect for you.
If you try looking at them for who they are, not who you imagined they’d be, you may find that they are actually exactly what you need.
2. You’re comparing them to someone else
Comparison is a trap that even the best of us fall into, sometimes.
I remember hearing a story about a lady who went to her friend’s house, saw the way the husband was waiting on her friend.
Then, she went back home to fight her husband for not doing the same.
Only for her to come back another time to see them beating each other up.
That was when she learnt to be grateful for her husband, who does his best and lives peaceably with her.
This story is probably folklore, but I believe the lesson is still applicable because, like I said, many of us fall into this, sometimes unintentionally.
You see your friend’s husband plan cute date nights, or that couple on Instagram who always look like they’re living in a rom-com.
And suddenly, your own spouse starts looking less-than.
But the thing is that you don’t see their behind-the-scenes; you don’t know what’s going on when the cameras are off or when they are alone.
I’m not saying it has to be bad behind the scenes or that you can’t learn from others.
I’m simply saying every marriage has its own rhythm, struggles, and strengths.
And when you compare your partner to others, you rob yourself of appreciating the uniqueness in your spouse and marriage.
3. You’ve stopped communicating honestly
When you don’t talk, things pile up fast; that’s why communication is the bedrock of a relationship, as cliché as that might sound.
It is easy to misunderstand each other and jump to conclusions when things are not addressed.
That’s when little annoyances turn into major issues and resentments that make you see your partner as imperfect for you.
So, address the tough conversations; don’t push them under the carpet to keep the peace.
You should also not assume your spouse should get something without saying anything; they can’t read your mind.
If something’s bothering you, talk about it.
If you’re feeling disconnected, say it.
That way, you can avoid things building up that will make you doubt and resent your spouse.
4. You’re focused on their flaws, not their efforts
We’ve already established that everyone is imperfect, so it’s a given that your spouse has flaws.
But when you zero in on what your spouse is doing wrong, you start missing all the things they’re actually doing right.
For instance, they may not be the best with dates and need a reminder on your anniversary date, but they always make sure your car is fueled and safe.
Or maybe they’re not the best at expressing their feelings, but they show up for you every single day.
Your friend’s spouse, who always remembers every single date, might struggle to take the trash out.
You see what I mean?
Everyone has their flaws, so appreciate the effort your spouse is making.
If you’re constantly nitpicking, you will always spot the negative first.
So, why don’t you flip the script? Maybe your spouse is not as problematic as you think.
5. You’ve changed, and so have they
As much as we don’t like it, people change – even in marriage.
I mean, think about it: you get married in your 20s or even 30s and all things being equal, you live to about 100.
It’s far-fetched to think you will remain the same person for 70-80 years of your life. ‘
And that’s something most of us don’t think about; we don’t expect to change or our partner to, as well.
If we do, we would give allowance for that change.
We need to understand that life experiences, growth, stress, kids, and career changes will shape us as we go ahead.
So if you’re looking at your partner and thinking, “They’re so different now,” you’re not wrong.
But instead of mourning who they used to be, try getting to know who they are now as they do the same for you.
Relationships evolve; evolve with them, or you will be stuck thinking your partner is imperfect for you.
6. You’re craving emotional validation elsewhere
Another thing that could make you think your partner is imperfect is when you are cheating emotionally, or you are about to do that.
And this could be with a person or even an idea.
For instance, you may be looking for emotional support or validation from a friend or a coworker, and it could be from social media too.
And if you are getting things you think you need from them, your spouse can start to seem like they’re not enough.
For instance, you can compare how someone else listens or compliments you, and your partner just falls short.
But maybe the issue is not that they’re lacking, but you’re not reaching out to them for what you need.
Or maybe you’ve not told them what you need, and if you do, they will step up.
So, before you seek comfort elsewhere, ask yourself if you’ve even given your spouse the chance.
7. You’re projecting your personal dissatisfaction onto them
Sometimes, when you’re unhappy with your own life, it’s easy to point fingers at your spouse.
If you feel stuck in your career, business, and life goals, you may feel like they’re the reason you’re stuck or unfulfilled.
But the truth is, your personal struggles are yours to own.
Your spouse can support you, but they can’t fix you.
At the end of the day, you are still an individual who must introspect and find happiness and satisfaction from within.
If you don’t deal with your own dissatisfaction, you’ll always think the problem is them.
So, take time to check in with yourself, and see if the problem is not from something deep inside you.
8. They’re actually not perfect for you
This is the moment of truth.
Yes, sometimes, the reason your spouse seems imperfect for you is that they are indeed not perfect for you.
It could be that you both married for the wrong reasons, ignored red flags, chose when you hadn’t fully known yourself, or you both changed too differently.
You may have been clouded by your initial feelings for them, but life has now made you realize you’re not as compatible as you once thought.
That doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, but it could mean they’re not perfect for you.
It’s a hard truth, but an honest one that you need to face, whatever that means for you.