I have been here, and I must say it wasn’t pretty.
My last relationship before I met my man was with a man who would suddenly ghost me and would be unreachable for a few days.
When I finally reached him, he would apologize and say he was going through something.
Because I wanted to be an understanding girlfriend, I didn’t want to think too much of it at first.
So I would tell him that I was here when he was finally ready to talk.
Unfortunately, that day never came, and I still don’t have closure to this day.
Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see that he wasn’t just going through something; he actually wanted to end the relationship but was waiting for me to get it.
I got out before he could do much damage, but if I had known then what I know now, I would not have wasted so much time and emotion after he checked out.
You don’t have to deal with the confusion that comes with being in that situation; you just need the right info.
Instead of guessing or overthinking every delayed text, why not read this as we take a look at the difference between a man who is overwhelmed by life and one who is quietly stepping back from you?
How to Tell If He’s Pulling Away or Just Going Through Something
1. He’s pulling away when communication drops without explanation; he’s going through something when communication reduces, but he tells you what’s happening.
When my ex started his pattern of ghosting, it started suddenly one day without any heads-up.
I just noticed that I sent him messages and got no reply, and that lingered for two days.
As an overthinker, that day messed me up because I started imagining the worst-case scenarios and what could be happening to him until I found out he wasn’t in a hospital fighting for his life.
I started with that to show you that when a man is pulling away, it doesn’t always come with context.
For some, they may pull away gradually, from communicating twice a day to once a day, and then to a stilted communication once in a while.
But some will just suddenly drop it from 100 to zero.
However, what’s common is that you will likely have no explanation; just silence or dry one-word replies.
And when you ask what is wrong, he will give you nothing useful; you just know that something is wrong.
On the other hand, when he is going through something, the volume may reduce, but you will find that he will stay honest with you.
Now, if he’s a man who struggles to open up, he might still not offer much, like say, details.
But he will give you something.
For instance, he may say, “Work is crazy this week,” or “I’m dealing with something at home.”
It may not be a long emotional speech, but it will be just enough so you are not left guessing.
2. He’s pulling away when he completely stops initiating calls or plans; he’s going through something when he initiates less but still makes some effort.
Pay attention to effort; that’s often a pointer to when a man is going through something or when he is pulling away.
When he is pulling away, you will find that you will be the only one calling, texting, and suggesting dates.
And if you don’t initiate, the relationship goes quiet — nothing happens.
It clearly means you are the only one still fully interested because effort shows intention.
If he wasn’t pulling away, he would also make contact.
He isn’t because he doesn’t want to.
Now, compare that to a man who is stressed.
Yes, he may initiate less, but he will still show some effort.
For instance, he may forget to plan something cute, but he still reaches out.
Because he’s going through things, all he may be able to offer at that point is a simple “How was your day?” or a quick check-in before bed, but he will do it.
You will find that the effort will not completely disappear.
Of course, it may not be as much as you want, but even that small effort shows intention.
If he wasn’t interested, he wouldn’t bother.
3. He’s pulling away when he avoids emotional discussions altogether; he’s going through something when he struggles to talk, but does not shut you out.
Some men are not naturally expressive.
As I said earlier, some men may struggle to open up.
But struggling to talk is not the same as refusing to talk.
When he is pulling away, you will see that emotional conversations with him will feel like pulling teeth.
In fact, he may make you feel you’re burdening him.
So, he will dodge them or change the topic, or worse, get angry.
But when he is going through something, you will feel the difference.
He may fumble his words, and if you create a safe space, he may even open up eventually.
He may say, “I don’t even know how to explain it,” but you will see that he is trying.
And the best pointer is when he stays and acts apologetic for struggling to tell you what he should.
So, for this man, even if he may not open up perfectly, he does not bang the door on your face either.
4. He’s pulling away when your normal need for reassurance irritates him; he’s going through something when he tries to explain.
When a man is detaching from you, you will annoy him even when you make reasonable demands.
Normally, if a man still cares for you, he won’t mind so much when you ask for reassurance, especially when you are not insecure and asking for it all the time.
So, if he shows annoyance that you need some reassurance because he’s not acting the way he normally does, it’s likely that he’s pulling away.
Don’t think it is normal when a man tells you you’re being dramatic when all you need is some validation from your man.
But when he is just overwhelmed, he will likely try to explain and ask for your patience.
He may not always respond perfectly, but he does not punish you for caring.
In fact, he will often thank you while trying to reassure you that it’s not about you.
5. He’s pulling away when physical affection disappears without reason; he’s going through something when affection reduces but does not vanish.
Physical affection is a good way to know someone is connected to you emotionally.
Men may sleep with you even if they feel nothing for you, but they won’t go as far as physical affection unless emotions are involved.
So if your man who gives you random touches starts avoiding you like you have a virus, that might be a sign that the emotions are disappearing.
It may be because he can’t find it in himself to want that comfortable body contact with you again.
On the other hand, yes, stress can affect how much one wants physical contact.
So when he is going through something, affection might reduce too because his mind is elsewhere.
Still, it will not disappear entirely.
He may still absent-mindedly reach for your hand or pull you close.
In fact, he may even find comfort in cuddling, even though he is not saying much.
Just sitting there together and knowing you are there might be enough for him.
So, a man going through life issues may still welcome body contact.
But even if he doesn’t require it, he won’t look repulsed when you offer it.
6. He’s pulling away when he becomes vague or uncomfortable about the future; he’s going through something when he still includes you in future plans, even loosely.
A good way to know someone wants you in their future is when they discuss the future with you involved.
So when he starts avoiding conversations about the future, it is likely because he doesn’t picture you there with him.
Particularly, if every mention of the future makes him tense or evasive, he may not feel the way he used to.
But when he is just dealing with life, he will still see you there.
So, he will still make plans.
He may say things like, “Let’s plan that trip when things settle down,” or “Next month should be better.”
Even if the plans are loose, you will find that you are still included.
And that inclusion tells you he has not mentally checked out.
7. He’s pulling away when he has energy for everyone else but not for you; he’s going through something when his low energy shows up in every area of his life.
This one is quite clear.
If he is laughing with friends, posting online, making time for everyone else, yet claiming he’s going through something, that is obviously not a man who’s stressed.
He is just stressed where you are involved.
But when he is truly going through something, his behavior will be consistent.
That means he will also be quieter with friends and more withdrawn in general.
Some of his family or friends may even reach out to you to ask what’s wrong with him.
In this case, you know the exhaustion is not targeted at you; it is general.
But if you are the only one getting his cold side, I have to say, sis, you are likely the one he has a problem with.