I don’t think most men set out to be difficult to love.
Particularly, if you’re reading this, I want to believe you don’t want to be a difficult husband.
A truly difficult man wouldn’t even be interested in knowing whether or not they are.
One, because there’s a character flaw and two, they are blissfully oblivious.
Very likely, he thinks he is perfect and wants to stay that way.
So the good news is that you’re reading this.
Therefore, even if you do see some traits you possess, there’s hope that you can change because willingness to learn is a good sign that a man (or anybody for that matter) wants to do better.
I say that to say, you can stop being a difficult husband, even if you are one now.
You just need to be pointed in the right direction.
And that’s what this post sets out to do.
Without wasting more time, let’s get to it.
How To Stop Being A Difficult Husband
1. Accept that you are a difficult husband
First things first, if you plan to read through this article being belligerent or defensive, you might as well stop now.
Because if you never accept that there’s a problem, we won’t make headway.
So, you need to honestly look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, “Am I the man this post is pointing to?” or “Do I have any of these traits?”
If your answer is yes to either of these questions, you need to be ready to accept it.
I already said above that the fact you’re even willing to read this is a clear sign you’re not really a difficult character-wise, you may simply be doing what you do because that’s all you know.
So let’s continue with that same attitude because if you want your marriage to last, you must be willing to be self-aware.
I’ve found that one of the major issues we have with relationships – of any kind – is that people are not self-aware enough, so they don’t even know where they’re getting it wrong.
However, once you’re willing to accept your issues, we’ve passed through the first hurdle, and may I add, the most important.
2. Stop being difficult
There’s something I see on social media often that I’ve never really understood until recently.
People say things like, “People know what they’re doing, so I don’t have the time to explain your behavior to you.”
If you’ve never come across this statement, let me give you context.
Say someone leaves their partner for a harmful behavior, and they come on social media to talk about it, you’re likely to have one or two comments saying they should have addressed it with their partner before leaving.
And others would counter with the above response: people always know what they’re doing.
Personally, I didn’t agree with this sentence because I felt like people sometimes may not know.
But I recently changed my stance, if you’re an adult with agency – that is, you don’t have mental issues – you likely know what harmful behaviors are.
If you’re still doing them, it’s not for lack of knowing; it may be because you think that’s normal, especially in man-woman relationships, where men normalize certain behaviors because of patriarchy.
But whether normalized or not, a harmful behavior is still harmful.
Think of it this way: would you feel the same if the same thing were done to you?
I bet you’d say no.
So, if you won’t like it if that same thing were done to you, it is harmful, and you should stop it.
If you won’t like it when your wife yells at you in public, if you won’t appreciate her putting all the burdens of the family on you, if you will be upset when she doesn’t listen to you or validate your opinions, why on earth are you doing it to her?
It’s really that simple sometimes: the way to stop being a difficult husband is to literally stop being one.
3. Listen to understand your wife
The reason why everybody and their mama speak so highly about communication in relationships is not that people don’t talk.
It is literally impossible to live in the same house with your wife and not talk to her.
Even for people who love silent treatment, that can only last so long.
You’ll definitely need to say something at some point.
So, the issue is not just whether you’re talking or not, but if you’re listening to each other.
Now, for general marriage advice, this is premium; you need to speak to and listen to each other.
But you see, in this context, it is equally important because you won’t hear what’s harming your wife if you don’t listen to her.
Your wife is probably already telling you what she needs to be happy, but you’re not hearing her because you’re probably busy working, being on your phone, or waiting for her to stop speaking to counter her.
If you’re really interested in stopping being difficult, you will want to know what your wife thinks about it.
Because sometimes, these things differ from person to person.
4. Respect your wife’s individuality and boundaries
Sadly, many men see marriage as an erasure of their wife’s individuality.
Now, if we are looking at it superficially, marriage does mean losing your independence – at least, a lot of it.
But it doesn’t mean losing every bit of it; you are still your own person, just joined in a — hopefully happy — union with another.
Plus, you are only able to add value to your marriage when you’re both whole people individually, separate from each other.
I remember a message by the late Dr. Myles Munroe titled, The Myth of Singleness.
Although he was speaking largely from a Christian angle, that message is still relevant in a secular setting.
He mentioned that the two parties in a marriage should still be single (complete and whole), and then, they can come together to build a more wholesome unit.
The reason I went on to explain all the above is to help you see why you’re being difficult to your wife when you want her to erase every single thing that makes her her.
If you insist on determining how she looks, the hours she works, the friends she keeps, what she says, you’re making her lose a big part of herself.
And nobody thrives properly in that environment.
You must let her shine as a woman with a right to her individuality and boundaries, and not make her feel guilty for demanding it.
5. Be a hands-on husband
I’ve noticed that a lot of difficult husbands are just guys who don’t help out enough around the house.
Believe me, you’ll find that your wife isn’t nearly as angry as you think she is if you just start lifting your own weight around the house.
Honestly, most wives don’t enjoy nagging or acting cold; they are just battling exhaustion and the brewing resentment from that.
I once heard a story from a marriage counsellor who spoke about a couple he had counseled many years back.
According to him, their situation was so convoluted, and it looked like they would never find a solution.
The woman wasn’t saying much, but she looked done, and the husband was completely clueless.
Thankfully, he finally decided to ask about domestic chores, and he found out that that was the issue all along; the poor woman was bowed down with exhaustion, so she wanted some peace.
The truth is that most men don’t understand how much their marriage will improve if they start being more intentional about doing certain things in the home without her asking or immediately after she asks.
And honestly, let’s talk about it: where did the idea that men can opt out of house chores come from?
Apart from childbirth, there is nothing in the home a man cannot do.
You can cook dinner, mow the lawn, and take the children to their dentist appointment without your wife asking.
Yes, I know you work. But so does she, so that’s not an excuse.
Plus, lifting your weight is not helping her; it’s simply doing your part.
6. Give her attention
I can imagine the objections: what does this have to do with being a difficult husband?
But you see, for a woman, it’s important.
Besides, you vowed to love and cherish her when you took your marital vows.
You may have forgotten, but she didn’t.
So, if that’s missing, that’s also a way you’re being a difficult husband.
I heard somewhere that a man should never stop pursuing his wife because a woman feels ignored when she sees she has lost her husband’s attention.
Now, I get that many things are taking your attention – you have work, bills, and the kids to worry about.
Still, don’t let the romance die in your marriage.
Give your wife your attention – when she’s speaking, even about the most mundane thing, listen to her instead of just scrolling on your phone while she talks.
Tell her thank you for being a good wife and mother to your kids.
Occasionally, surprise her with something you know she likes.
For instance, if she likes movies but just can’t find the time to go see one, surprise her by taking her.
Tell her you love her too; women need that constant reassurance.
I know some men think romance has to be grand, but it doesn’t – although you should do the grand gestures occasionally.
But it’s really more about the small, consistent acts of affection, like checking in, touching her randomly, complimenting her, listening without distraction, and appreciating her.
When she feels appreciated and desired, you will see how soft and happy your wife becomes.
7. Don’t be the enemy of her progress
A lot of men don’t know this, but they’re threatened by their wife’s success because they’ve swallowed the old-school rhetoric that the man always has to earn more or be “better”.
So, they get scared when their wife starts soaring and end up clipping her wings.
But you need to understand that your wife’s growth does not diminish you.
Instead, it elevates your household.
So don’t be the enemy of her progress.
If she’s got big ambitions or is crushing it at work, be her biggest fan instead of making her feel guilty for it.
Think of ways you can push her to be her best self.
I know a man whose wife is a doctor while he works as a business coach.
Some of his wife’s colleagues call him doctor, and he said, “Well, if my wife is a doctor, I’m also a doctor because she’s me and I’m her.”
That’s a man who understands that marriage is not a competition.
So he wants to see her win because her knows her win is his as well.
8. Work on yourself
Sometimes you’re being a difficult husband because you’ve got some internal stuff that hasn’t been dealt with.
You may have unresolved trauma, anger, or poor emotional skills that are now affecting your marriage.
It could also be because you’re dealing with external stress – it could be work or just other stress of life.
The first step to solving this is to do an introspection to see why you act the way you do.
If it’s internal but you can’t quite figure out why you’re always angry or stubborn, don’t be afraid to seek a therapist.
That’s a good way to take responsibility.
Tell yourself your wife is not meant to suffer the consequences of wounds she did not create.
And if it’s external, let your wife in and let her help you, so you can both make sure external stress doesn’t affect your home.
Once you do that, even when you’re not yet there, your wife can see you putting in the work, so she will be more willing to patiently help you through it.