I’ve been there, so I understand how exciting it is to get married to your lover.
But you see, even though I think people can sound condescending when they say people are more concerned about the wedding day than the marriage, I still believe it is something worth looking into.
As exciting as weddings can be, they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I am not saying you shouldn’t enjoy your wedding or do all you want as long as you can afford it.
I am simply saying don’t be so excited for the wedding that you forget the actual marriage.
I say that to say, as you’re preparing for your wedding, you need to also make sure you are actually ready to get married.
If some things are not already in place or you cannot answer some questions, it might be better to pause the wedding until you can get that settled.
Having said that, what are some questions you must have answered before getting married?
Let’s look at them.
Avoid Marriage Until You Can Sincerely Answer These 13 Questions
1. Do we share the same core values and principles?
The reason many people get married and then divorce for irreconcilable differences is mostly because they didn’t check how compatible they are.
Or they focused on unimportant values when they should have been focused on the vital ones.
Now, I’m not one to say love is not enough because I believe love is logical and all-encompassing.
Love can break up with someone because they can see they are not right for them.
So, love is not the problem; the issue is that many people define love as romantic feelings when that’s too fickle to bank a relationship or marriage on.
The butterfly in your tummy feeling is great and should be present, but shared values are what keep a marriage steady when the butterflies fade.
Instead of focusing on how much money the other has, focus on essential things like their religious beliefs, ideological and political views, parenting style, and financial beliefs.
When you have this covered, you can forget about other things, like whether he likes to sleep on the left side of the bed or you prefer to sleep with the lights off.
All those other things are not as important as the above.
Once your answer is, “Yes, our values align on all these”, then you can say you are ready to get married.
If not, you might need to go back to the drawing board.
Because trust me, a week into the wedding, what will matter is that you’re on the same page about the non-negotiables that guide your lives.
2. Can we resolve conflicts without disrespect or resentment?
Every couple argues; it’s normal.
Not expecting them is living in la-la land; then we’re probably dealing with bigger issues than we thought.
I believe you know that, though, so let’s go ahead.
The issue is not that you argue; it is whether your disagreements always turn into shouting matches, silent treatments, or petty digs.
If that’s the case, then it’s a red flag.
You must be able to have healthy conflict where you listen to each other, speak respectfully, and focus on solving the problem, rather than winning the fight.
While you don’t have to break up if you find you struggle, it means you probably need more counselling while individually working on yourself before marriage.
3. Do we agree on how to handle money and financial priorities?
Money is a big issue in marriage because you now have to consider someone else when managing your money.
So, you need to know where their head is at when it comes to money.
You need to know if your partner is a saver or spender, how they feel about debt, and what financial goals they have.
You also need to know their credit and if they’re in debt, as well as whether they are ready to grind to make money or if they’re comfortable being a burden.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you both need to work, as some women are housewives, but you still need to know if the person is willing to offer value.
For instance, will she help manage the finances, or will she spend the rent money on the latest bag?
You need to know their relationship with money and make sure you agree or can work on your differences.
4. Do we see marriage as a partnership or a hierarchy?
We all have different pictures of how a marriage should be; some see it as equal teamwork, while others believe one person should lead and the other should follow.
You both need to be honest about what you believe before getting married.
Because if your visions don’t match, you’ll constantly clash over decision-making and power dynamics, and that can get ugly over time.
5. Are we emotionally safe and honest with each other?
I mean, what are you doing if you can’t be vulnerable with your partner without fear of judgment, criticism, or mockery?
You should only get married if you’re sure you’ve found someone with whom you can share your feelings, fears, and dreams openly, knowing they’ll be met with understanding, not ridicule.
6. Do we have similar views on children and parenting?
You’d be surprised how many couples never discuss this before marriage, and regret it later.
It may seem like a non-issue until it is.
You need to know if you both want kids and how many.
You should agree on the values you will raise them with, and how strict or relaxed you will be.
Oh, and you must agree whether you believe in spanking or not.
Trust me, these are seemingly small details that can determine how your marriage will fare.
7. Can we support each other’s dreams without feeling threatened?
Ideally, couples should see themselves as an extension of each other.
That means, when one person succeeds, the other person should see it as them succeeding too.
But as we all know, life is far from ideal.
So, you need to be sure now that your success doesn’t make your partner feel insecure and vice versa, because it can be the other way round, too.
You shouldn’t exchange marital vows until you are sure you will always clap the loudest for each other and support each other’s goals wholeheartedly.
8. Are we sexually compatible and comfortable discussing intimacy?
Sex isn’t everything, but it matters in marriage.
Now, while you don’t have to have identical preferences, you do need openness and willingness to meet each other’s needs.
So, if talking about intimacy feels awkward, or one of you constantly avoids the subject, that’s something to address before tying the knot.
Even if you’re a Christian couple who are staying off until marriage, you still need to be able to talk about it, especially during courtship and the days leading up to the wedding day.
9. Do we trust each other completely, even in our absence?
Let me just say it as it is; don’t marry anyone you don’t trust or who doesn’t trust you.
Or at least, wait until you’ve sorted that because the emotional distress is not worth it.
You both need to be certain – beyond any doubt – that your partner will honor you whether you’re in the room or not.
If you or your partner are constantly snooping through the other’s phone, feeling anxious when they’re out late, or catching them in little lies, it means your foundation isn’t strong.
Get that in order before you marry; your future self will thank you.
10. Can we handle life changes and challenges as a team?
Unfortunately, life is not always smooth sailing; it throws curveballs when we least expect them.
That can come through job losses, business failure, illnesses, moves, and family drama.
So, you need to be sure you are a strong couple who lock arms and face tough times together, even when things get messy.
If you are a couple who runs from challenges or turns on each other during tough times, the marriage won’t last.
If you want your marriage to last, you need to make sure you are in the former category.
11. Do we have healthy boundaries with friends and family?
In-laws, friends, and even co-workers can become uninvited third parties in your marriage if you allow it.
That’s why boundaries need to be clearly stated.
You both need to agree on what’s acceptable when it comes to outside influence.
Otherwise, you’ll spend more time fighting over who said what than building your own relationship.
12. Are we prepared to love each other on our worst days?
It’s easy to love someone when they’re charming, romantic, and looking their best.
But you won’t always look your best in marriage because it is real life.
That’s why marriage requires loving each other through sickness, stress, bad moods, and messy hair days.
If you can’t imagine being patient and kind even when your partner is hard to like, marriage will be an uphill climb.
So, before the wedding, you need to answer in the affirmative that you’re marrying someone who, on their worst day, you will still commit to them.
13. Can we laugh, have fun, and genuinely enjoy everyday life together?
Romance is great, but you’ll spend more time doing ordinary things than taking candlelit trips.
If you can turn a grocery run into a fun memory or laugh over inside jokes, you’ve got something precious.
In simple terms, the best marriages are between people who are actually friends without the romance.
So, if that’s you, great, you’ve found what many people seek.