When we think about intimacy in marriage or even a relationship, the first thing we think about is the physical aspect.
But intimacy is beyond the physical.
It is all-encompassing of both physical and emotional closeness within couples in marriage.
And it is one of the things that sets a couple apart from people who are just friends.
This is how I look at it: you know how they often say you should marry your friends, right?
If that’s the case for most people – speaking ideally – that means a marriage is between two friends.
So, what separates them from platonic friendship? It’s obviously their intimacy, both physical and emotional.
Now, imagine if that thing that makes them actually married is missing from their marriage.
I mean, even before I go deeper into the article, it is very clear from the statement I made above that lack of intimacy causes serious issues in marriage.
But let’s take a deeper look to see how.
8 Things That Lack of Intimacy Does to a Marriage
1. Loneliness
One of my greatest fears in marriage is to be lonely in a union where the concept of loneliness should be an anomaly.
Marriage is supposed to be a safe place where you feel seen, loved, and connected.
But in the situation we are speaking about, where a marriage lacks intimacy, it is bound to affect the bond of the couple.
When intimacy fades in a marriage, even if you’re living under the same roof, it can feel like you’re doing life alone.
Like I said earlier, intimacy is what makes being in a romantic relationship different from being in a platonic relationship.
So, when you are not getting the intimacy you expect from your spouse, it can hit you with a blinding sense of loneliness.
And it’s not because you couldn’t have done life alone if you weren’t married.
It’s just that because you are married, you’ve come to expect that level of intimacy and closeness.
And for lack of a better word, have come to depend on it or hope to depend on it.
So, if you don’t get what you want or it ceases, it will definitely leave, in its trail, a feeling of emptiness.
2. Emotional Distance and Detachment
When intimacy is missing in the life of a couple, they automatically start to drift apart emotionally.
Now, remember how I said intimacy is not just physical.
I didn’t say that to undermine the importance of sex in marriage.
So, in case you thought that was what I meant to say, let me correct it: sex is vital and powerful in marriage.
In fact, it’s so powerful that it can affect your emotional closeness.
That’s because what happens in the bedroom in the marriage transcends it; it impacts how close you are outside it.
So, if you are lacking physical intimacy, you are likely to stop sharing your deepest thoughts, dreams, and struggles as well, because you no longer feel that safe bond.
Over time, rather than a strong and loving connection, you will find that the marriage feels more like a partnership, where all you have in common are children, bills and chores.
3. Low Self-Esteem
Believe it or not, a lot of people feel validated and valued by how much their spouse craves them and their presence.
And valid, because I mean, that’s someone whose opinion likely matters the most to you.
So, whether in and out of bed, intimacy reassures us that we’re desired and valued.
When it’s missing, it’s not out of place to start questioning yourself and wondering what’s wrong.
If it was there before and withdrawn, you might start asking if you no longer look good or if you did something wrong.
And if it was never there, you might wonder if something is wrong with you.
I know that we probably shouldn’t internalize everything our significant other does.
But the truth is, we are only human, and their actions and inactions affect us.
Because, like I said, we value their opinion.
So when they don’t want to touch us or build a bond with us, it is very likely to chip away at our confidence and self-worth.
It is likely not just to affect the relationship, but also how we see ourselves in every area of life.
4. Resentment
When a spouse feels rejected or neglected for too long, it often leads to resentment.
Most of the time, people become resentful when they don’t get something they expected to have for years.
And we have already established that people expect intimacy in marriage.
So, it’s not surprising that they may get resentful when they are not getting it.
They may think their partner doesn’t love them, and honestly, nothing can hurt more than that.
And the more it continues, the more it eats away at your love and makes reconciliation harder, even when you eventually become intimate again.
The reason is that it would have spiralled into other things and caused bitterness in the heart of one or both of you.
5. Irritation and Frequent Conflicts
I remember a certain pastor preaching at a singles conference, giving us an example of a marital issue he had to deal with years ago.
He mentioned that the couple had so many convoluted issues, and they couldn’t get to the root of them.
The couple were just angry at each other and could not point to why they were.
Later, the pastor’s wife (who was part of the counseling) asked how their sexual life was, and that was when they found out that it was the actual reason.
The wife didn’t feel satisfied in the bedroom, so she withdrew, because, according to her, why engage in what she doesn’t enjoy?
On the other hand, the husband was sad because his wife didn’t want to be with him.
So, instead of communicating the real issue, they started fighting so much that they couldn’t remember how the issue started.
And of course, the more they fought, the more uninterested they were in being intimate.
What am I saying?
If intimacy is lacking, couples often get easily irritated with each other, even over the smallest things.
A couple could have a blow-up fight because of a misplaced shoe, an unfinished chore, or even just silence.
These constant conflicts aren’t really about the little issues; they’re rooted in deeper dissatisfaction and frustration caused by the lack of closeness.
6. Negative Impact on the Children
The truth is that children can notice when their parents aren’t close.
Even when the parents are not openly fighting, they can sense the tension, distance, and lack of warmth.
And living in that kind of environment can affect how kids feel about love, relationships, and security at home.
In unfortunate cases, they might even mirror these unhealthy patterns in their own future relationships.
7. Infidelity
A lack of intimacy can eventually open the door to actual cheating.
Now, as one who believes cheating is a choice, I’m not saying this is an excuse for infidelity.
I’m simply letting you know what can happen when one or both partners feel starved of affection, attention, or passion.
As sad as it is, they may turn outside the marriage to fill that void.
And one truth we must come to accept – in those many shades of life – is that infidelity isn’t always about sex.
Sometimes, it’s about the intimacy that’s been missing for so long.
People do end up cheating on their spouse because they are looking for a connection that’s lacking in their marriage.
8. Might Lead to Separation/Divorce
Unfortunately, if the lack of intimacy goes on for too long, it can push the marriage past repair.
Couples may decide they’re better off apart than continuing in a relationship where they feel unloved and disconnected.
They may prefer to be single and have no expectations rather than have to deal with valid expectations being unmet in a marriage.