I know we say relationships can be difficult, and that’s true.
But love is not meant to feel like hard labor; it should not drain the life out of everyone involved.
If it’s doing that, something is really wrong.
The reason I’m saying that is that many women say they want love.
Yet, they keep repeating habits that push people who could love them away.
And because these habits look normal or even justified, they often go unchecked.
Now, note that I’m not trying to shame you.
I’m simply trying to call for a little self-awareness.
Because we need to own our part and make changes if we want a relationship.
That said, oftentimes, the way you show up in relationships or while dating affects how men experience you.
And if loving you confuses or exhausts someone, even good intentions will not be enough to keep them around.
So let us talk honestly.
Let’s talk about the behaviours that make loving you harder than it needs to be.
And the good news is, every single one of them can be unlearned.
10 Behaviours That Make You a Difficult Woman to Love
1. You have no sense of identity
It’s really hard for a guy to fall in love with you when he doesn’t actually know who “you” are because you don’t even know yourself.
One day, you want this life; the next day, you want the opposite.
And you keep changing your values, interests, and even personality based on what is trending or who you are dating.
It’s exhausting to keep up with someone who is constantly shape-shifting based on whatever is attainable.
Not to mention, it makes you seem unstable.
A man wants to know who he’s coming home to; he doesn’t want to have to guess which version of you he’s getting today.
So, take some time to figure out what you actually like and believe in.
Stand for something.
Ask yourself what you want beyond a relationship.
When you stand for something, loving you will be easier, and you’ll have a chance of building something real.
2. You expect your mind to be read
There is nothing more frustrating for a man than seeing you stomp around the house, slamming doors and giving the silent treatment, while he has absolutely no clue what he did wrong.
Although a lot of men have learnt to live with it.
Some even make jokes about just apologizing when a woman gets like that, even when they don’t know what they did.
But it doesn’t have to be like that.
And if it continues for long, it could lead to resentment on both sides.
Because here you are, frustrated for not getting what you want.
And here he is, frustrated because he is helpless.
So, how about changing tactics and using your words?
Trust me, it’s actually really sexy when a woman can calmly articulate what she needs or how she feels.
It saves so much time and drama, and it teaches him how to love you better.
3. You compare your man to other men
Comparison is the thief of joy, and it’s also the thief of relationships.
When you’re constantly bringing up what your friend’s husband bought her, or how that random guy on Instagram takes his girlfriend on better trips, you are basically telling your man he isn’t enough.
And it crushes his spirit.
You must understand and accept that every relationship is different.
Plus, you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors in other people’s lives.
However, I always say, even if it’s all roses behind closed doors, you still shouldn’t compare yourself to others.
If a relationship is draining you and doesn’t serve you, leave, rather than tormenting your partner with comparisons.
But if you’re with a goodwill man who wants to do right by you to the best of his abilities, it’s unfair to him to keep measuring him based on others.
Instead of looking over the fence, water your own grass.
Appreciate what he does do for you.
Besides, when a man feels appreciated rather than compared, he usually wants to do even more.
4. You are rude and disrespectful
For some weird reason, some people started thinking that being sassy and rude was a “boss babe” trait.
It isn’t.
And in fact, it’s toxic in a relationship.
In the first place, you shouldn’t be rude to anybody.
But men are particularly big on respect.
So, rolling your eyes, cutting him off when he speaks, or talking down to him – especially in public – is a guaranteed way to kill his love for you.
I’m not saying you have to be subservient, but you can hold your own without belittling him.
Put yourself in his shoes and treat him with the same kindness you’d want him to show you.
And dead that belief that you have to be rude to show strength.
Actually, softness isn’t weakness; it’s a superpower.
5. You nag
There is a huge difference between asking for something and nagging.
If you are constantly on his case, complaining about every little thing he does (or doesn’t do), you will wear him out.
Now, I understand that you feel you have to correct him on certain things, but you need to learn to tolerate some things.
We all have weaknesses, and if someone keeps harping on the negative, it will eventually get tiring.
So, instead of doing that, try positive reinforcement and praise him when he gets it right.
And when you need to address something, do it once, clearly, and then give him the space to handle it.
Like respect, peace is a major priority for men.
So, try to be his peace, not his headache.
6. You never take responsibility
We all mess up.
Every single one of us.
But if you are the type of woman who can never say, “I’m sorry,” you are making it difficult for a man to consider building a life with you.
If every argument ends with you playing the victim or twisting things so much that it somehow ends up being his fault, you’re being a manipulative partner.
You might not like to hear the truth, but I will say it as it is: it is manipulative.
Moreover, it’s tiring to be with someone who thinks they are perfect.
Nobody can handle someone like that for long.
If you want love, you need to be humble enough to own your stuff.
And if you act out, apologize sincerely.
It shows emotional maturity, which a man respects.
It shows you as a woman who can admit when she’s wrong and actively try to do better next time.
7. You are lazy
Good men usually love taking care of their women; that’s a given.
In fact, many of them actually pride themselves on being a provider or a hero for you.
But there’s a difference between being taken care of and just being dead weight.
If you have no ambition, no hobbies, and just want to sit on the couch while he does everything, you will soon become a burden.
And no one wants that.
Men want a partner, not a dependent; they want a woman who also wants something definite out of life.
Now, I’m not saying you have to be a CEO, but have some fire in you.
Have dreams and goals.
So, when he sees you passionate about your own life, it motivates him and makes him proud to be with you.
8. You lack self-esteem
This point reminds me of Sheila and Troy in Why Did I Get Married?
I remember this particular scene where she was putting herself down, and he told her it exhausts him when she constantly does that.
She was doing it because she expected it, and she believed putting herself down first prevents it from coming from someone else.
But it wasn’t a comfortable situation for the other person, especially when the person is a good person.
I say that to say, if you don’t like yourself, it is not often comfortable for the good man around you.
Usually, it results in a lot of things.
Firstly, you’re going to need him to constantly prove he likes you.
Then, you’ll get jealous easily, you’ll fish for compliments, and he will feel like he has to walk on eggshells so he doesn’t accidentally trigger your insecurities.
It is emotionally draining to live like that; to have to be someone’s sole source of validation.
You have to do that inner work yourself.
Go for therapy – if you need to – but you must learn to love who you are so that his love is just the cherry on top, not the whole cake.
And so, both of you can relax and actually enjoy the relationship.
9. Your life revolves around your man
It’s cute to want to be together, but it’s dangerous to make him your whole world.
If you drop all your friends, abandon your interests, and wait by the phone for him, you put way too much pressure on him to be your “everything.”
To put it lightly, it’s suffocating.
Plus, the thing that probably attracted him to you in the first place was that you had your own cool life going on.
So, don’t lose that.
Keep working on making your dreams come true.
Go out with your girls, keep up with your hobbies, and have your own schedule.
It gives you more to talk about and keeps the mystery and spark alive.
10. You don’t take care of yourself
At the risk of sounding stereotypical, men are visual creatures.
At least, many of them are.
So, while he should definitely love you for your mind and soul, he also wants to be physically attracted to you.
If you completely let yourself go and stop making an effort because you’re “comfortable,” it can make him feel like you no longer value the relationship or yourself.
I’m not saying you have to look like a supermodel, but put some effort.
Wear the dress he likes, fix your hair, and smell good.
When you look good, you feel good, and you keep his attention.
In fact, putting some effort into your look shows him that you still care about keeping his attention.