What is a relationship for you?
Is it a competition or collaboration with your favorite person?
I am a small business owner, and in business, we learn that collaboration yields better result than competitions.
We put resources together with people who are running complementary businesses in order to increase visibility for and grow our businesses.
But in my personal life, I was born and raised in a competitive environment.
From school to neighborhood to church, there was always an official or unofficial competition and we weren’t introduced to collaboration as a way of life.
I know I’m not the only who was born and raised in this kind of environment.
For some people, competition has gotten so deep into their skin that they see everything as an opportunity to compete.
Even with their romantic partner.
Competition isn’t always very healthy – it makes room for envy, strife, resentment, etc.
Imagine putting resources together with your partner to build yourselves and become better people.
Imagine the level of success you’ll achieve.
Imagine the grounds you’ll cover.
But you keep feeling like you should be better than your partner in every way, and that’s why you’re not enjoying your relationship.
Some people don’t even know they are competing with their partners.
So let me show you the things you do that show that you’ve put yourself in a competition with your partner.
8 Ways to Know You Are Competing with Your Partner
1. You Keep Score
Imagine that you’ve done the dishes three times this week, but your partner only did them once.
How do you even know the numbers without thinking about it?
You’re keeping score.
Then you’ll begin to feel a sense of injustice creeping in, a silent tally forming in your mind.
“I’m doing more, they’re not doing enough.”
Keeping score of each other’s contributions, whether it’s household chores, emotional support, or financial contributions, shows that you’re more focused on who’s doing what rather than appreciating the overall teamwork and the results achieved.
A relationship isn’t a ledger; it’s a partnership where each person’s efforts should be valued, not counted.
Whatever your hands find to do, do it well.
You’re investing in both you and the relationship.
2. Constant Comparisons
Let me give you a pictorial idea: when you achieve something significant at work, do you focus on celebrating your success, or do you find yourself thinking about how it measures up to your partner’s recent accomplishments?
Constantly comparing your achievements, abilities, or even appearances to your partners can create a toxic competitive atmosphere.
Because why do you even need to do that?
You both are two different people with different skills and abilities.
And you’re not even twins from the same parent to have the same appearance.
So why are you putting you and your partner on the same scale?
Most times, comparison like this goes to show how you’re insecure or you have need for validation.
And it undermines the mutual support and admiration that healthy relationships are built on.
3. Undermining Each Other’s Efforts
This is one habit no one should possess.
It is a deep show of ingratitude.
Some people undermine their partner’s efforts in subtle ways while others are quite blatant about it.
You know, when they’re giving a half-hearted compliment with a “but” attached.
Or some people just outrightly dismiss their partner’s accomplishments.
Like, how do you even do that?
I watched a video clip where a man called the food his wife made him “mid.”
I just couldn’t get it off my mind.
I wonder if his wife can.
Why would you do that?
It’s like pouring water and washing off all their effort and enthusiasm.
I think this is another behavior that shows that a person is struggling with insecurity.
Or high self esteem that makes them always want to feel superior.
4. Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy is a natural emotion, but when it becomes a frequent guest in your relationship, you might need to look at it twice.
It is normal when it looks like someone is coming to contest for your partner’s attention and you feel jealous.
But why would you feel jealous because your partner achieved something that you didn’t?
If you feel envious of your partner’s successes, it’s a sign that competition has entered your relationship.
So you can’t even celebrate each other’s wins without contempt.
It gets to a point when your partner can’t even tell you about their successes, just to maintain peace in the relationship.
That’s not how a healthy relationship should be.
It starts off as a harmless jealousy, grows into envy, and finally matures into resentment.
In a relationship where you both are supposed to be each other’s biggest cheerleader?
5. Lack of Genuine Support
If you’re not genuinely supportive of your partner, you’re most likely in competition with them.
The last time your partner shared good news with you, were you genuinely excited for them, or did you feel a pang of jealousy or indifference?
Because why can’t your partner trust that they can get an applause from you, or lean on your shoulders when they’re down?
Every healthy relationship thrives on mutual support and encouragement.
Your partner’s victories should feel like your own, bringing joy and pride.
They shouldn’t feel like something has been stolen from you.
6. Frequent Arguments
It is normal for couples to argue.
And that is why we encourage couples to have a standby conflict resolution plan that can help them resolve conflicts quickly and constructively.
Conflict becomes a sign of competition in a relationship when you both are constantly bickering over seemingly trivial matters.
You know those type of arguments that aren’t exactly addressing the issues at hand but focused on proving a point or asserting dominance.
Those are the type of arguments that happens when you and your partner are competing with each other.
And because you are both trying to assert dominance over each other, When competition takes hold, resolving conflicts constructively becomes a serious challenge in the relationship.
No one wants to yield, no one wants to adjust.
All you’ll have is a pile up of unresolved issues and unnecessary tension.
7. You Feel Unappreciated
When you continually feel unappreciated or undervalued in your relationship, it can be a sign that your partner is more focused on their own achievements than recognizing yours.
There’s no way you will be able to appreciate what your partner is doing when you are swallowed up in trying to create comparisons.
And when you do not appreciate your partner, you make them feel undervalued, you take away their enthusiasm, and belittle their efforts in the relationship.
I personally find this kind of environment very toxic and without the ability to support a healthy relationship.
8. Sabotage
Sabotage is when someone deliberately does things to frustrate your efforts towards your goals.
For example, if your partner is trying to adopt a healthier lifestyle and you keep tempting them with unhealthy foods, or turning off their workout alarm before it goes off.
In extreme cases, competition leads to sabotage.
The energy you’d have invested into being a better person yourself, you expend it in making sure that your partner does not become a better person.
This behavior is deeply harmful and shows that your relationship is going through deeper problems.
Relationship is not a do or die affair.
There is no reason you should be in a relationship with someone who you cannot grow with; someone who you always feel threatened by.
It is unhealthy for both personal and corporate growth and development in the relationship, and it creates a toxic environment filled with ingratitude, envy and resentment.
Rather than drag your mental well-being in the mud and stay in a competitive relationship, leave and remain single until you find someone with whom you can successfully grow together with.