When you find out that your spouse has been having an affair, it can feel like the end of the world.
The betrayal cuts deep like nothing else is to be compared to it.
However, an affair doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your marriage.
There have been several cases of people who came back to rebuild their marriage after an affair, and some of them have experienced more sweetness than they ever had before the marriage.
Below, we’ve shared some practical ways to save your marriage after an affair.
8 Ways to Save Your Marriage After an Affair
1. Acknowledge the Pain
Even if you are a macho man or a macho woman, if your spouse cheats on you, it will hurt you.
You will feel the pains in your bones.
But some people will press the pain and hide it under their bed, acting like it does not exist.
Burying pains do not eliminate the effects in your life.
Rather, it worsens the effect because suppressing pain takes the pain to a place where it begins to eat you from within.
And it is more difficult to heal when the pain has eaten into your depths.
So, the first thing you need to do is acknowledge the pain caused by the affair.
Express it, too.
This is just the beginning of recovering your marriage from the rubble of the affair.
When you bury the pain and try to act like a strong person, you bury your marriage along with it.
2. Honest Conversation
After expressing your pain, hurt, or anger in any way you want to express it, the next thing you want to do is have a conversation with your partner.
Silent treatment does not treat any kind of disease or ailment.
It is only effective in worsening the situation.
So, if you’ve been nursing your grievances in silence, it is time to call your spouse and talk about it.
Talk openly and honestly about your feelings, fears, and concerns.
And even when you do not want to, let your spouse also express themself.
Listen to whatever it is they have to say.
Murmuring and mumbling under your breath is not communication.
Nagging is not communication.
For this communication to be effective, it has to be intentionally done by both parties.
This might be difficult and uncomfortable, but it’s necessary if you want to rebuild trust and save your marriage.
3. Seek Professional Help
As private as you would love your life to be, sometimes, it’s beneficial to have an objective third party involved.
Especially when the person is a neutral person who won’t take sides or be biased in their judgment.
As much as possible, leave out extended families from the conversation.
Unless you do not want to save your marriage.
Families will only come in and create supporting parties and take sides, worsening the situation.
However, a professional marriage counselor or therapist will consider the situation from a neutral and unbiased perspective.
They’ll provide guidance and mediate difficult conversations.
They’ll also offer tools to help rebuild your relationship.
In a situation as serious as infidelity in marriage, a professional’s help and guidance are very important.
4. Take Responsibility
This one is the responsibility of the person who cheated.
This is not the time to act like Adam and Eve.
“It is the woman you gave me.” “It is the serpent that lured me.”
Do you want to save your marriage after you have cheated?
Take full responsibility for your actions.
Make it look like there was no one else in the picture.
“I did this. I am sorry.”
And it doesn’t stop there – you must show that you are genuinely remorseful.
Your spouse needs to see that you are truly sorry and committed to making amends.
It won’t happen overnight, but taking responsibility for your actions is the first step.
5. Rebuild Trust
This is the one that will feel impossible.
And even though it is not exactly impossible, it will take time and energy before it begins to look like there is hope.
You’ll want to trust your partner today, and tomorrow, you’ll just remember what they did to you, and you’ll begin to rethink.
But you and I know that there is no marriage that works without trust.
So, you must go through the pain of rebuilding the trust in your marriage.
My people will say “tep tep ayoho abang”
It is a way of saying that it is the continuous little drops of water that fill the drum.
So, the spouse who cheated must do everything within their power to keep all their records clean at this time.
Don’t make any silly mistakes, and stay consistent and transparent in your well-doing.
The other spouse must have an open heart to see and accept the effort of the other one.
The process will take time, patience, and consistent effort.
But with time, the bliss in your marriage should return.
6. Set Boundaries
The truth is that after the affair, you can’t just go back to being the same way you were before.
With the same level of physical and emotional closeness.
There will definitely be a wall erected between you two.
But in recovering and rebuilding the marriage, this wall has to be brought down brick by brick.
Before that happens, you both will need to set up boundaries that will guide you.
The wall is already there, but boundaries set limits and allowances for interactions within and outside the marriage.
So that one person will not think of climbing over the wall to the other side.
Boundaries tell you both what is acceptable and what is unacceptable in the relationship.
It also tells you what person is allowed and the people who are not allowed.
While trying to bring down the wall raised by infidelity in your marriage, boundaries help create a sense of security and protect the relationship from future indiscretions.
7. Forgiveness
Forgiveness here is a two-way thing.
The spouse who was betrayed has to forgive the spouse who cheated.
And the spouse who cheated has to forgive themselves first to be able to receive forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a personal and often difficult journey.
It doesn’t mean condoning the affair but it means letting go of the anger and resentment that can hinder healing.
Forgiveness might also take a while, but you must make an effort to achieve it.
When the betrayed forgives the infidel, they give them the chance to be a better person.
They’re saying, “I’m willing to work towards healing and restoration with you.”
It is left for the infidel to accept this forgiveness, forgive themselves, and truly commit to change and growth.
8. Rekindle Intimacy
You may not want to rekindle intimacy immediately, but you must try as much as possible to rekindle it as soon as possible.
It might feel unpleasant at the beginning, as both of you struggle to blend into each other, but it will become more natural as you continue to do so.
Spend quality time together, rediscover shared interests, and share affection.
Intimacy doesn’t end at s .e. x, even though sex is a very important ingredient.
Intimacy goes on to connect you both on a deeper level.
Share your thoughts and feelings, and be vulnerable with each other.
This process helps rebuild the bond that has been damaged.
Saving a marriage after an affair is no easy task.
It requires dedication, effort, and a lot of love.
If you have looked at yourself and realized that you are not capable of putting in the effort required to do the work we have written above, you can both choose to go your separate ways.
You cannot rekindle love in your marriage when neither you nor your spouse are willing to commit with the same level of energy.
If one person wants to rebuild the marriage and the other person doesn’t want it, it is best to go their separate ways to avoid wasted efforts.
Remember, every relationship is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution.
The fact that one person’s marriage is scattered after infidelity does not mean that yours won’t work.
Keep an open mind and be ready to compromise a whole lot.