I walked into a conversation some days ago.
I wasn’t present at the beginning of the conversation, so I couldn’t tell exactly where the conversation was coming from.
But when I walked in, a lady was saying, “People should just learn to keep quiet instead of creating unnecessary issues in their marriage because they want to be heard.”
It threw me off balance.
Like I said, I don’t know what they were talking about, so I can’t exactly tell why she had to say what she said.
But I still think that it is a matter of great concern if people have to choose between being heard and having a fight in their marriages.
I needed to find out what was happening.
I discovered that she was talking about overlooking concerns rather than raising them and having to trigger a fight or escalate the issue into an argument.
The truth is, in marriage, there’ll always be a time when you must have difficult conversations with your spouse.
You can’t keep sweeping issues under the carpet because you don’t want an argument.
And who said that you can’t speak up about things bothering you in your marriage without a fight?
Speaking your mind without setting your marriage on fire is very possible.
And that’s why we’re here: to show you 7 ways to speak up in your marriage without fighting.
7 Ways to Speak Up in Your Marriage Without Having a Fight
1. Pick the Right Time
It is amazing how much timing can overhaul the course of a thing.
Even in our daily lives and interactions with people, we see how important timing is.
You can be doing a very good thing, and it will be regarded as the worst thing ever if you do it at the wrong time.
Knowing the best time to approach an issue in your marriage can turn things around 360 degrees.
You can’t bring up an issue that will stress your spouse out when they are already stressed, tired, or in a rush, and you do not expect to trigger them.
That conversation will most likely go haywire.
Wait for a time when both of you are relaxed and able to focus on the discussion and bring it up.
When they are calm and relaxed, they can process things better and make better decisions concerning the matter.
2. Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements
As soon as you approach someone and begin to attack them with blame, it is just natural for them to become defensive.
And if your spouse becomes defensive while you are trying to address an issue with them, you should already know that you have lost them in that conversation.
Funny enough, this is a common mistake people make in communication—starting sentences with “you” (e.g., “You never help around the house”).
Especially when it is an issue of concern, do not begin with “you.”
Instead, begin with “I.”
Say, “I feel quite overwhelmed when the house is messy, and I could really use some help with chores.”
First off, this turns the focus to you.
There’s no attack, hence no defense.
At this point, your partner is able to listen to your concerns and suggest ways to make adjustments that will make you happier.
3. Focus on Solutions, Not Just Problems
Before you present the issue, try to think of a workable solution to it.
When you are able to create possible solutions to the problem, it becomes easier to focus more on the solution than on the problem.
And you can approach the conversation by presenting the solution rather than pointing out the problem.
Usually, after sharing your concerns with your partner, they will ask, “So what do you propose that we do?”
At this point, you can present the solutions you’ve been able to come up with.
This will tell your spouse that you’re not just complaining but actively seeking ways to improve the situation.
For example, if you feel disconnected from your spouse, you can approach the situation by saying, “I’ve noticed we haven’t had much time together lately. How about we schedule a date night every week?”
4. Stay Calm and Be Mindful of Your Tone
After timing, I think the second thing we should be very mindful of when approaching an issue in our marriage is our tone and outlook.
Your tone of voice greatly affects how your words are received.
You can compliment someone, and they’ll feel like you are insulting them because of your time.
If your tone is harsh, condescending, or attacking, it will trigger defensiveness.
Before you even get to say anything, your spouse has already set up a defense mechanism just by seeing your manner of approach.
So, if you do not want a fight, be mindful of your tone.
Try to keep your voice calm, steady, and warm, even if you’re feeling frustrated or emotional.
Taking a few deep breaths before speaking can actually help you remain centered and focused on keeping the conversation constructive.
5. Avoid Bringing Up Past Issues
One common mistake couples make in conversation with their spouse is bringing up past grievances during a current discussion.
If you are someone who already has a habit of raising past issues when you are in a conversation with your spouse, you’ll hardly have an audience with them.
If an issue has been dealt with before, leave it in the past and move on.
Stop making references to it or using it to cite an example.
This can quickly divert the conversation from the matter at hand.
Then your spouse will begin to feel like you’re keeping score.
If you want to speak up in your marriage without a fight, learn to stick to the issue at hand and resist the urge to dig up old arguments.
When you focus on the present, it will keep the discussion more manageable and prevent it from becoming an argument about everything that has ever gone wrong.
6. Agree to Disagree Sometimes
Not every disagreement will have a resolution immediately, and that’s okay.
You’re in trouble if you think you and your spouse will agree on everything.
You won’t.
You are two different people with different perspectives and opinions.
This is why it is very important that couples respect each other at all times.
If you have shared your perspectives without explicit agreement, maturity requires you to agree to disagree.
You can still respect each other’s opinions without forcing a resolution.
I should also state here that you can’t agree or disagree on every matter.
Some issues are critical to the marriage, and you both must agree on them if you want a beautiful marriage.
You should be smart enough to know when to seek mutual solutions and when to leave off the matter.
7. Listen to Your Partner
Do you want to be heard?
Do you know your partner wants to be heard, too?
Speaking up is important, but you must also learn the art of listening.
Be prepared to hear your spouse’s perspective when you bring up an issue.
Listening means being fully focused on what your partner is saying without interrupting or preparing your counter-argument in your head.
Beyond this, you should know that their feelings are very valid—as much as yours.
Let them know you hear them by following through with their concerns, asking questions, and possibly finding solutions.
When you are always attentive to your partner, it makes it easier for them to listen to your concerns whenever you bring them up.
Speaking up in your marriage without fighting is a skill that takes time to develop, but it can transform your relationship.
You are able to keep unnecessary conflicts and arguments at bay and enjoy a smooth, healthy, and harmonious married life, building a partnership that can weather any storm.