I’m a huge believer in the power of prayer.
I really am.
Because I’ve seen it change hearts, bring peace, and give us direction when we are totally lost.
However, I also know that prayer is not a substitute for responsibility, effort, or honesty.
That’s where many people, including many couples, miss it; they pray hard while avoiding the work their marriage requires.
They use prayer as a way to avoid doing the actual heavy lifting.
They treat God like a mechanic and their marriage like a car they can just drop off at the shop, hoping He fixes it while they go watch TV.
It doesn’t work like that.
Yes, God gives us wisdom and strength, but He also gave us common sense and the ability to act.
In a marriage, some problems require learning, while many necessitate uncomfortable conversations and changes in behavior.
Therefore, if you are praying for peace and still refuse to act wisely, nothing will change.
That means there are certain things that heaven won’t fix until you get your hands dirty on earth.
And you need to know those things so you don’t keep exerting all your energy without results.
That said, here are ten things you’re going to have to fix yourself.
10 Problems Prayer Cannot Fix in a Marriage
1. Ignorance
You simply cannot pray away what you don’t know.
If you don’t understand the psychological differences between men and women, or if you are clueless about how to manage family finances, spending hours on your knees won’t magically download that information into your brain.
Yes, you should pray if you are confused about a situation in your marriage.
But when God prompts you to seek the knowledge that would help you, you have to do that work yourself.
You have to actually pick up a book, attend a seminar, or find a mentor.
You cure ignorance by learning, not by praying or wishing.
So, if you are struggling because you just don’t “get” your spouse, support your prayer by reading a book on relationships.
Then prayer can give you the wisdom to apply that knowledge to your situation.
Without that, the situation is likely never to improve, and you will end up frustrated.
2. Lack of Skills
This is quite similar to the above, but there’s a difference between knowing what to do and knowing how to do it – the latter is what skill is.
You might know communication is important, but if you don’t have the skill to listen without interrupting, prayer won’t shut your mouth for you.
That requires self-discipline and practice.
In the same vein, if you guys can’t resolve conflicts without screaming, you need to learn conflict resolution skills or your fights will always end badly.
Imagine not knowing how to drive and expecting not to crash because you prayed for safety.
While you should indeed pray for safety, you still need to learn how to use the brakes.
So, if you lack the skills to communicate, negotiate, or compromise, you have to take a course or see a counselor to build them.
3. Bad Sex
Well, you didn’t think I would skip this one, did you?
I mean, we all know how important sex is in a marriage, so there’s no point shying away from it.
That said, it is also one of those things you need to act on if you want to see any improvements.
You can pray for intimacy and closeness all day long, but if the mechanics aren’t working or one of you is selfish in bed, the heavens are going to stay silent on this one.
Good sex requires communication, vulnerability, and a willingness to learn your partner’s body.
You need to actually ask your partner, “Do you like this?” and listen to their answer.
You also have to address medical issues, trauma, or just plain awkwardness with conversations and doctors, and not just spend time praying about it.
God created sex, but you two are the ones who have to put in the effort to make it enjoyable.
4. Bad Character
God will not override your free will to turn you into a nice person.
If you are stingy, rude, angry, or manipulative, that is a character flaw that you have to address.
Prayer can convict you, sure.
For instance, it can make you feel guilty about yelling at your wife or ignoring your husband.
But you are the one who has to choose to bite your tongue when you feel like lashing out.
You are the one who has to choose kindness even when you are tired.
Character is built through daily choices and habit formation.
So, you can’t just pray to be “better” and expect to wake up as a saint; you have to do the work of changing your behavior.
5. Unwillingness to Change
Segueing from the point above, if you – or your spouse – have decided “this is just how I am,” then prayer won’t make much difference.
God respects our choices, even the bad ones.
If one party is stubborn and refuses to grow, no amount of fasting is going to force them to evolve.
The survival of your marriage requires a willingness from both of you, and yes, that include changing things that are harmful to the marriage.
However, if you are holding onto your old ways because they feel comfortable, you are actively blocking the solution.
You have to decide to be flexible.
You have to be willing to say, “I want my marriage to work, so I will do this”, or “I was wrong, and I need to do things differently.”
6. Lack of Effort in the Marriage
Marriage is like a garden; you can pray for rain, but if you don’t weed it and plant seeds, you’re not getting any flowers or vegetables.
So, if you don’t put any effort, if you’ve stopped dating each other, stopped trying to look good for one another, or stopped being affectionate, prayer won’t bring the spark back.
You have to schedule the date night, buy the flowers, or put the phone down and talk.
Something! You have to do something if you want the excitement back, and prayer won’t do that for you.
7. Unwillingness to Make it Work
Sadly, a marriage takes two people to build, but only one to destroy.
If your spouse has checked out mentally and has zero interest in saving the marriage, you cannot pray them back into love against their will.
Love is a choice that each of you has to make daily.
Yes, you can pray for their heart to soften, but eventually, they have to decide to come back and fight for the marriage.
Without that willingness, unfortunately, the restoration won’t happen.
Both of you have to want it; you can’t sustain it by fighting for it alone.
8. Secrets
I think this one should be quite clear; you can’t pray over a secret and expect healing while you’re still hiding it.
Whatever the secret is – hidden debt, a past relationship, or a medical issue – secrets make things worse, not better.
And prayer cannot help things if they remain secrets.
Prayer can only work when it is brought to light.
So, instead of praying for the anxiety of the secret to go away, open your mouth and confess.
Healing only starts when the secret is told.
9. Infidelity
This is another clear one because cheating breaks the foundation of a relationship – trust.
While prayer can help you find the strength to forgive (which is huge), prayer does not rebuild trust.
Trust is rebuilt through transparency, accountability, and time.
If you cheated, you don’t get to say, “I prayed about it, so we should be good now.”
No, you have to make an effort to earn back the trust you broke.
For instance, you have to hand over your passwords.
You have to share your location and answer the hard questions over and over again until your spouse feels safe.
If you really want the marriage, that is a long road you have to be willing to take, instead of trying to spiritualize it.
10. External Interference
Finally, we have interference from outsiders who, though, might love you, shouldn’t have a say in your home.
So, for instance, if your mom is running your house, or your friends are poisoning your mind against your spouse, you don’t need a prayer meeting; you need boundaries.
You need to have a tough conversation and say, “Mom, I love you, but you can’t come over unannounced anymore.”
God established the principle of “leave and cleave” for a reason.
If you don’t physically and emotionally shut the door on outsiders, they will keep walking in.
So, you have to be the bad guy sometimes to protect the sanctity of your home.
And that takes backbone, not just prayers.